musings from my heart

Learning to Live

2008-02-07T17:56:00.003-08:00

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind."

What do you choose?

Courage Under Fire

2007-11-29T16:48:00.000-08:00

The other day someone responded to the knowledge that I worked for The Salvation Army Family Services with, “I’m sorry.” At the time, I assured them that there was no need to apologise and that I was very happy in my job and that God was still alive and present in the social services of The Salvation Army. Today, a young girl walked into my office, and once again reminded me just exactly why:

She is 20, just over 2 weeks out from her 21st birthday. Two nights ago, as she was up studying for mid-terms, she was alerted by a cracking and the sound of collapsing furniture.

Her investigations found her parents racing around the house - it was on fire.
She helped remove her brothers and sisters.
The fire department has told her family that they are lucky to be alive.
Tomorrow she will go back to her house, to find out if anything that she owned survived.

She came into my office as, “the fire victim,” but she is more than that. Not even the oldest sibling, she has taken the responsibility of caring for her family at this time, because her parents don’t speak much English, and no one else is taking responsibility. She is the one thinking about how she has to appropriately accommodate her family, how she doesn’t want to stress her parents by separating them, and how she would love to be able to bring a smile to the faces of her brothers and sisters.

She could have justifiably in a bed, hiding under the blankets, but instead she was in my office, making wise decisions, and even making steps to care for herself and find the time out she needed. And as if the fire wasn’t enough, she is still pulling up from a car accident, which though in no way her fault, left her limited in her capacity to work, and emotionally wounded because of how the events played out.

It’s at times like these that passages like Matthew 9:36 begin to ring in your head, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” It is a real privilege to be the living example of this to someone. It is one of the reasons I love working where I do. In actuality, it’s probably why I’m there.

But after she left my office today, I had to wonder who had helped whom more. As she sat there, with the few tears slipping down her face, talking about all that was on her mind, I had to think how little anything I was facing compared to her situation. How can I say things are too hard, when she is sitting there across from me? And so we may help her, and it will be my joy to be The Salvation Army and to do the things we should do, but I know she will help me; I will remember her courage, and be inspired.

(And in case I didn't spell it out, God is very much alive in our social service!)

The Scariest Thing

2007-10-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

One of the scariest moments I've had in a while:

Looking at the face of someone while you were speaking and knowing that they were hanging on to every word that you said; knowing that they wanted you to be right and that they wanted you to be the person that you presenting to them; because somehow, if you were, it gave them hope.

That, for me, is a very scary thing to live up to.

Miracles

2007-10-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just in case you weren't sure if they still happened...

The nephew of a friend of mine was born with a condition that damaged his nerves such that when he tried to walk, both of his legs would try to jump and he would fall down. He was 5 years and in a walker and in the last year decided to start praying that God would let him walk. Recently his mom was referred to a specialist who is one of the very few people that does surgery on this kind of condition. The surgery was had and not only were the doctors amazed at this boy's beyond speedy recovery - he was beginning to walk by himself 5 days after surgery - 10 days later he is home and is actually walking.

I know it pricked my eyes when I heard it. Praise God, for the unswerving faith that he gives small children that know that their God is the one who heals, and who made the lame walk. Praise God that he IS that God, almighty, powerful, creator, healer, saviour.

Let's pray that this boy's testimony acts powerfully in his life for God's glory and his kingdom.

2007-09-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

if the effort to be yourself is so much that you want just leave it,
does that mean it was really you or that you were trying to be
something, that was never you in the first place?

or is it simply that discussions of what should take place
take the place of what does take place
and the place that you are left is where you should be
but only because what should be done never was

2007-09-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

distance, not always a temporarl consideration.
can you ever be too far away to come back?

2007-09-26T10:56:00.002-07:00

Do I believe what I say enough to actually follow it.

It's a good question for me to ask myself sometimes.

My Rights

2007-09-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

So i've been having random thoughts a lot recently. So i've been updating my blog. Probably won't happen again for ages. So sue me :P

I have a very big habit of not liking to be hurt in relationships. Of course everyone is like this to some extent, but for me this is a considerable factor for me when pursuing any kind of relationship. I have operated under the belief that there is no need for me to pursue a relationship if I believe that the outcome of it is likely to cause me more pain than I feel like dealing with. As a result, I have often limited my contanct and deep friendship with people around me.

But I'm gonna try and change all this. Because I realised that I have been operating out of a false assumption about what my rights are. I believed that it was my reasonable right to be in a relationship that didn't hurt me too much and to not have to be in relationships that did. But I've realised that I don't have that right. It was never given to me. If I look at the example of Christ I see that he loved, and continued to love even with betrayal, his friends. He was probably hurt more by those closest to him, than I ever will be. If I'm following him, I have to follow this example.

This means that I'm giving up my 'right' to be in a relationship and not expect to get hurt. I'm giving up my 'right' to pull back out of a relationship if I do get hurt. Instead I'm going to give as I can to people, of me, and do so even expecting that I will probably get hurt, but do so anyway, most particularly because Christ did and I know that I find my strength in him.

Random Insight

2007-09-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Maybe this was completely obvious to everyone else, but not to me, however I just kind of stumbled onto this thinking the other day.

If you want to know how your relationship with God is, chances are you can look at how you are treating other people:

If you are shutting people out and caring about your own needs, chances are you are shutting God out and caring more about yourself than following him.

If you are heartless and mindless to those around you, chances are treatment of God is around the same.

If are openly loving, giving and sacrificing to those around you, chances are you'll see it in the way that you approach God as well.

Like I said, maybe it made sense to everyone else, but it just hit me. We are told that we will be known by how we show love to one another, and there is the remind, "Whatever you do to the least of these..." but somehow this really puts it into perspective for me.

On My Terms

2007-09-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

I recently chatted with someone aobut God.
Was a fun conversation, made me think, made me want to know more.

Here's what stuck out:
"I wouldn't want to believe in a God like that." (spoken by my friend)

Funnily enough, it means that they answered their later question of,
"If God is so awesome and powerful, why doesn't everyone follow him?"

Easy,
because then we might have to believe in a God who doesn't do things our way.

Thing is this, it isn't just the 'non-Christians' that think this.
I think that the Christians do to.

What happens if it costs too much, hurts too much, challenges too much, if God asks too much, if He calls the shots too much, if He remains himself too much?

Then do we really want to follow Him?
Do we really?
Or is it for easier to pick and choose the parts of God that we like,
and just stay with that?

I want to follow a God not of my own creation,
but as He is, and know Him as He is,
and follow, for all that it costs me.

2007-09-07T20:19:00.001-07:00

when life, love and living collide
that is a spectacular thing.

and when the day is done,
and the night is over,
i want to know i lived
and that the living was living
not shrinking
not pouting
not moaning
and not making excuses

but that i lived

Things I Wrote

2007-09-02T18:09:00.000-07:00

None of it is great, but I wrote it just the same.

because all the words have been said
the remains are simple
love was given, blood was shed
for a dying world
that turned its back instead

of grace I am unworthy
there is none of me
and so it is most surely
that I am here
until we see eternity

2007-09-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am not who I have been
I have not been what I was
I can be what I will be
I am trying to be not even more,
just the same.

On my walk today...

2007-06-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Being told, by a man who is cleaning his feet on the sidewalk, that I am the most beautiful woman he has seen today.

Three or four people sleeping on steps or in corners.

An elderly chinese couple.

A man searching the trash can for empty bottles and cans.

A drug deal happening in an alley in broad daylight.

A room of prayer that sees many people in and out each day.

A lock that is broken in one year because it gets used so much.

It's a strange place that I live, but it's home. I am glad that I am here.

2007-06-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

For all the days
I should have known
That one day pigs might fly
The horse might not have bolted
And dreams might come true

2007-05-22T21:33:00.001-07:00

When the world was flat
And I woke up
I lost you and you found me

When the days were dark
And I caught up
I jumped a cliff and you flew

When the moon was young
And I grew up
I spun around and you stayed

When the time was done
And I gave up
I started and you began

It's Been a Long Time...

2007-02-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I haven't blogged in forever. Haven't had the motivation. Haven't seen the point if I had nothing to write. Will try and be more consistent, but there are seriously no promises.

Life is hard at the moment. It is getting better. Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get over the fear of what I could be. I want to. It's not the easiest thing to do. And I am impatient. I hate taking one step at a time. God get me through.

New Computer

2007-01-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

So I broke the power supply to my laptop after replacing it only 6 mths ago...

So after receiving more pay than expected I went out and bought a new computer.
The screen is very pretty and we should be able to play some cool games.

I guess I still miss my old computer.

And so this is Christmas...

2006-12-27T22:12:00.000-08:00

Hearing this song at Christmas has always caused me to review the year that has been and compare my current position with where I was at the same time last year. Usually I hope to see some kind of change or growth and any number of other incidentals.

But this year there is certainly a lot to say. When I compare my perspective of this year with my expectations of this year, I am blown away. Let me fill out the picture:

If you had asked me last year where I would be in a year's time
I would have replied: preparing for training college.

If you had asked me about my feelings of the coming year
I would have replied: (if I was honest) that I was scared that I would end up resenting the year and that it would not have any meaning.

If you had asked me what my plans for the coming year were
I would have replied: nothing definite.

If you had asked me about what my hopes were for the coming year
I would have replied: that I would find purpose in the year and that it would have meaning.

As I look back on the year that has been I see so many things:
I moved to Canada and have lived in a house with 15+ people for over 9 months
I have worked intentionally as a missionary to native families of inner city Vancouver
I have fallen in love and am still in love with that same person
I have had jobs at Starbucks and two Army jobs that I still hold
I have had the privilege of leading my cell group (which I love)
I have the opportunity to mentor a number of different people
I have personally led 2 people to decisions for Christ
I have met sooo many people this year and made so many new friends
I have grown so much in my understanding of God and His Word
I have developed as a person and learnt more about me

The list may not even be comprehensive but it's a pretty good start. Praise God that He is the God of far more than we could ever dream or imagine. Once again I find truth in Romans 8:28, a verse that seems to follow my life: For we know that God works in all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose.

Praise the Lord

Why Don't I Update?

2006-12-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

The answer to that question is, "I'm not really sure." I used to have so much to write about when life was not so busy, not that it is busier there never seems to be anything worth writing. Maybe that is because when life is less busy the simple things are more significant. Hmmm, that's an interesting thought.

But here's what I do with myself:

Work at Kate Booth happens on the weekends. After a whole month of not having any women we are now very close to full. It means that it is busy and we are still working out how to operate the new place that we have. It is absolutely gorgeous, better than some hotels that you could stay at.

I have really enjoyed catching up with my cousin recently. It's like having a bit of home here. We are catching up for Christmas Eve, which is nice too, because for me, Christmas has always been associated with family.

I am thinking about applying for another job, would mean that I would probably only have that one and then be working full-time and have consistent hours. That would be kind of cool and would also mean that I could finally apply for my work visa.

Life for me is weird, I seem to spend so much of my energy sorting out me. Most times I wish it would stop and that things would be fine. I hate feeling like you might have just finally got yourself somewhat sorted and then feel like you are starting all over again. I guess it is God doing work in my life, but sometimes it just feels like frustration and pain.

I lead a cell, it rocks. It's a bit quiet for this Christmas season though. But we do have some good times.

Sometimes I think I should be doing more. Sometimes I want to be doing more, but I don't know how to fit it in. Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my ability to dream. Sometimes I wish that I could go home. Sometimes I think that I am supposed to stay here. Sometimes I wish that life would stop changing and there could be just one thing in my life that might stay the same.

I guess that's kind of me at the moment.

No Idea

2006-12-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

So I was demanded to update, but I have no idea what to write about - hence the previous lack of update.

Currently in a bad mood.
We started on our community entertainment room last night which is going to be cool.
I have had the startings of a cold and feeling sick for about 5 days now - not impressed.
There are finally women at my work, and this is a good thing.
I enjoy my work.
I am keeping around 32 hours a week of work, which I appreciate.
I can't get my paypal account to work, this annoys me.
I missed calling my dad for his birthday and still haven't done so because of the above reason. (Sorry dad)
I am in a bad mood.

Hope that satisfies.

Attempts at Lunch

2006-11-18T04:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been to a park to eat your lunch and been visiting by a flock of seagulls or pigeons. I have done so on more than one occassion, but not as I did yesterday when I went to have my lunch. This was far closer to something out of an Alfred Hitchock (no idea how to spell that) movie.

I had been inside all day and so I thought I might get so fresh air eating my lunch in the local park. I sat down, and as soon as I had opened my food, I had birds swarming near me. So I got up and moved to a seat where there were no birds at all. But once again, as soon as I had opened my lunch, I was surrounded by birds. And I mean surrounded. You know the games you play as kids were you try to sneak up on birds and touch them. Well there was no need for sneaking. These birds actually landed on top of me and I had to kick and swipe at them to get them off. I have never seen such tame pigeons except in San Marco Square in Venice, where the pigeons are part of the tourist attraction and it is expected.

So there you go, I learnt something. The pigeons in Vancouver are feral. Lunch eaters, beware! (That or eat inside, which is what I ended up doing!)

Getting Older

2006-11-06T23:34:00.000-08:00

So it's my birthday today. Was a fun day as well. Really great, in fact. Was very spoiled.

Woke up late. Went to breakfast. Went shopping. Went to the aquarium. Went shopping again.
Came home. Watched videos. Hung out with friends.

Photos of the aquarium are coming soon. One disappointment was the lack of flash use on my behalf that means that many of the photos didn't work, and they were great photos too. Highlighted the need for a new camera. Christmas is just around the corner, hmmm...

FYI

2006-11-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

For those of you who visit my site and care, just in case you didn't know, Stephen is back and talking at his blog. And if you don't know, you should check it out with the link on the right. It can be quite amusing sometimes, and you never know, it's possible to learn something as well! ;)

For me, just finished a close to 60hr working week. I know I am not cut out for that kind of stuff, it wears me out so much. I also know that I never think that earning money is so important that it should take over your life. I guess it also doesn't help that this is day 10 of 11 days working straight. Monday I get a day off because it is my birthday!

Livin' La Vita Loca

2006-10-31T06:26:00.000-08:00

Though not the quality of life depicted in that Ricky Martin song (if that is how you spell it!), it still remains an amazingly good description of my life at the moment. Life is crazy. Finishing off at Starbucks, working close to 60hrs for another week and then just trying to stay on top of anything else that I have to do. The tactic for survival is that I only do the things that I have to do. I just have to remember to do all the things that I have to do. And remember where to go when my job changes location and then organise the transport complications that result from having to be in two places at once. Ahh, the joy! But life goes on and it's only two weeks of this. Hopefully things will be more normal after that.

Another job

2006-10-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

So I find myself in a situation of almost an excess of employment. Today I got hired for a job with a TSA shelter - different to the one that I currently have. So I am on call there as well. Basically it means that if I can pick up enough on-call shifts there is not a necessity for me to keep the Starbucks job. This is where I have been headed but I also want to handle it properly. So pray for wisdom in regards to decision-making here, whether it is in regards to monitoring the number of hours I work (gonna total 50+ this week) or how to talk to my various employers about working for them.

But in the midst of it I am reminded of God's provision, and how once again, everything involved with Canada and being here and staying here has just been such a smooth process, and God is my provider and the One who watches me every step of the way.

(Just gotta get some sleep in. For three days in a row I have started no later than 6.30am and then finished another job no earlier than 10pm. Thank goodness a holiday is just around the corner.)

Working

2006-10-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

So my life seems to revolve around work at the moment. I worked from 6.30am - 1.30pm today and then got home and somewhere between 2 and 4pm got called in to my TSA work. So work there is from 4pm - 10pm. Then tomorrow I will get up at around 4.30am and work from 5.15 to 9.15am. Then I have a job interview for the other on-call position with TSA and then I have cell in the afternoon. Wednesday will be working at Starbucks in the morning and then I'm picking up another 4-10pm TSA shift in the evening. So life is just a little busy. Thank goodness I am having a holiday for 5 days and travelling to Toronto. Gonna go meet a whole bunch of people. Could be interesting!

More changes

2006-10-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought I couldn't possibly change my schedule any more...

I have just been given another 10hr shift with my TSA job. So that means that I will be working for them 17hrs. I also have an interview with another TSA shelter, Belkin House, for on-call work there. It might be possible for a combination of working for both these places. Please pray that all of this continues to work smoothly and that I can swing things with Starbucks for the current time so that I won't have to work 7 days a week.

New Starbucks

2006-10-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

So I moved to a new Starbucks store this week. I had done a couple shifts filling in their schedule in the previous weeks and then they asked me if I wanted to transfer. The store is kind of crazy, particularly because there are so many people that fill in shifts, and it requires some getting used to in the differences from my old store.

But here's the thing. One of the reasons that it can get quite chaotic is something that I think can be managed. The point, I think, is seen in comparison. At my old store, when we were crazy busy everyone locks into a position and they stay there and do their job there as efficiently and well as posssible. At my new store, when it gets crazy busy the roles of the people on the floor seem to become very fluid, with lots of people doing parts of other people's jobs. Now I think it might be thought that people are being helpful, but when you look at it from the outside, I suspect that it actually slows down the process, because you have too many people changing from one area to another. It works better when everyone has there own role, they know what it is and they stick to it, without trying to do or be someone else.

Hopefully in the not too distant future we will get this and some other organisational issues sorted (you never realise how important seeming meaningless organisational tasks are until they are not done) and then we will rock that town. But I wondered if maybe the observations had some applications to our Christian experience. Something like a body, or something? What do you think?

New Job

2006-10-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have a new job. Working with women escaping from domestic violence. It reminds me of YOS at a much slower pace. But I remember why I loved my job at YOS. Because I got paid to talk to people, and help them out with their stuff. And this is the same. And so I have been doing orientation and it reminds me why I love this work and what I did all that study for and it's good to be reminded.

My Cell

2006-09-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I love my cell. Every single week it never ceases to amaze me with what will come up. Whether it's new people, or great discussion or something unexpected, it is a joy every week. And it is such a privelege to be part of God's work. It's really exciting. Please pray for our cell, and if you are ever in the neighbourhood around 6pm on Tuesdays, feel free to drop in, we would love to have you.

I am frustrated

2006-09-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

I get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I think they should.
I get frustrated when I don't understand why the outcome is unexpected.
I get frustrated when I feel I can't communicate what I want to say.

That is about all for now.

I moved house today!

2006-09-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well not really, just into another room. One of my good friends here just moved in there so we decided that it would be fun to room together. (Check out my photo blog for pictures!) But it was funny because all it really took was a transfer of clothes, moving a couple of boxes and subsequent cleaning. Other than that, there wasn't much more. I was kind of happy with how little stuff I have. Once more do I appreciate the benefits of simple living.

God's Provision

2006-09-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

So if you didn't know, I finished working at X-Culture just over 2 weeks ago. I was really glad to finish too. But since then it has been my task to get a new job. Now I have applied for a counselling position with The Salvation Army, but I don't get to interview for that until after the 19th Sept. So there are weeks in between finishing at X-Culture and a potential start date with TSA. And I have been supposed to get my resume out, but I have not, basically because I have been slack. And I was worried that I wouldn't get a job.

So yesterday I went and handed out resumes to people. And by the afternoon I had two job offers, not just interviews but actual 'you have the job if you want it' job offers. I trialed for one today, but I am going to take the other one instead (I will be working at Starbucks, learning how to make coffee - actually a useful life skill I think - even though I don't actually like or drink coffee).

And it kind of just blew me away, because I had been really slack, and had not done anything about getting a job when I should have. And yet God totally provided, just when I needed Him to, even though I really feel like I didn't deserve it. Once again, praise God for His grace, and for the way in which he continues to blow me away with who He is.

Update

2006-09-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

So I know I haven't posted in a while. Thought I'd put in a quick update. Feeling a bit challenged at the moment. I think it's a mixture of picking up on the strain that exists here as people move through the transition phase of graduatind and incoming War College students. Also doing more of understanding me and growing in what God is teaching me. It continues to be a stretch and sometimes feels overwhelming as I become certain that I am not up to this challenge. Maybe that's the point. This is impossible without reliance on God. His strength must always be my strength.

Going for all sorts of jobs at the moment, so please pray for favour in that. Particularly, there is a counselling job that I have applied for that I would love to get and then it would be good to get an interim job while I am waiting for the Human Resources manager to come back.

love you all
bec

And so I'm back...

2006-08-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

...from outer space. No, not really.

Went on a week's summer camp for kids. It was a week of hanging out with 16 8year olds and kind of being 'mum'. Getting them up in the morning, getting them out the door, supervising breakfast, entertaining them while they waited, pouring milk, cereal and drinks so they didn't spill it, giving them permission to leave the table, supervising and leading activities, cutting up food, telling them to eat things they don't like, teaching them to clear the table, disciplining them, sending them to bed, and many more things in between.

But by far the best thing about the week was the last night of camp, when I ended up with all 16 of them in 1 room and we had a huge question and answer time about God, faith, Jesus, the Bible and related topics. They are so thirsty for knowledge it is amazing. It is also amazing the knowledge that some of them have. But through it all I certainly was aware of a huge sense of responsibility as I came to the realisation that these girls understanding of the gospel was coming from me. In some ways, I was God's Word to them. What I was saying to them they would believe as truth. There's no better way to gain the desire to know God's Word and know it well then when the faith of an 8 year old hangs on what you say.

with Respects to Matthew

2006-08-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

The eternal perspective
Mysteries revealed
The wise become foolish
And blind eyes see

Dying is living
Losing is gaining
Sacrifice is worship
Surrender is victory

No claim to glory
No right to one's own

Self lived on an altar

For the ransom paid

Earth is fading
Hevean remains
Hearts find treasure
Foundations are laid

No choice but response
For gifts imparted
To follow where led
And never look back

I live for His glory

2006-08-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Had a really interesting revelation about this tonight. This is something that I think I have said, or at least I have said, "I want to live for His glory." I even sign part of my emails, "for His glory."

I think the comment is all backwards. See, I live for His glory, would mean I want the things that I do to bring glory to God. But that means that it is about me, I what I want to do. But I think the statement should be flipped. It should be "For His glory, I live." Because then it becomes about God. And the point becomes, it is for God's glory that I exist at all. That is, God gets to use me for His glory. This means that it's not about what I am doing, or what I desire or anything about me. It is about God being able to use me to do whatever He wants, to bring Him glory.

It's kind of scary, because I get no say. But it can't be anything less. First of all, God is God and He is sovereign. But second of all, my salvation has nothing to do with me but everything to do with Him. Therefore this life that I have is not my own anyway. So therefore God has every claim on my life to be able to say, "I will use you in whatever way that I want so that my glory can be promoted."

Lessons from Halo Part 2

2006-08-08T01:59:00.000-07:00

Given the far larger than usual response to my first Halo blog, I thought I would add a second. This one has also come to light in the past few days, and once again, it has its beginnings in the game of Halo.

As briefly referred to in the previous entry, one of my shortcomings in the game of Halo is that I have sucked at close combat. What actually happens is that I become so agitated that I just freeze or can't control what I am doing and get killed very easily. It actually took a whole game of Stephen practising close combat with me to start to get it. Now, I am not great, but a lot better at it, and sometimes I even come out of these situations as the victor.

I also noticed this phenomenon while participating in slingshot paintball (a fine game if ever there is one) on a camp I recently shared leadership of. I found that when my combatant was close at hand I would fumble and falter and not be able to shoot properly or reload my slingshot.

And here's where it applies to me. I am not great at close combat situations. If I feel that I am being personally threatened or unexpectedly attacked then I become very agitated and my mind often retreats for a holiday (somewhere in the depths of darkest Africa, I assume) and I am devoid of the ability to maintain intelligent arguments. What is more frustrating is that upon removal from this situation and the opportunity to process with more clarity I can formulate all manner of appropriate and worthy arguments. And it is not just that I am now finding the justifications, it's just that my mind started working. So I need to get more practice at this to. I need to be able to think on my feet and give the answers for the reasons that I know I am right when I am actually right. That's a tough one too. But I'm giving it a shot.

Lesson from Halo

2006-08-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

I am not the world's hugest computer fans (contrary to what some people I know might say!). Particularly I have never been a huge fan of any of the player against player shooting kinds of games, like Halo. But recently, because of its benefits in social interaction I have been playing Halo (who ever thought that guys played computer games to facilitate socialising together, I thought they were just being anti-social). And I'm getting kind of good at it too.

But here's the thing. When I started playing Halo I sucked! Like really sucked, I couldn't gain perspective I couldn't coordinate my movement and my looking around, I kept on getting lost on the screen and in any close combat situation I was stuffed. And I would say it as well and generally be disparaging about my Halo abilities or lack thereof. But I was called on this self depreciation and told that I should see that I was getting better and start focusing on how I was improving instead of always finding the worst in the situation. And i t worked. I stopped getting down on myself and started realising that I was improving and I now enjoy the game a lot more (even if sometimes I still need to be corrected for the occassional denegration).

And I have recently realised that this kind of perspective has far wider applications than just playing Halo. See I have a tendency to put myself down quite a bit about the things that I do. I am incredibly critical of anything that I do and I find it far easier to see all of the short comings in what I did rather than seeing the things that I did well. But I wonder if some of that is simply because I am so used to making the negative comments and saying them to myself. And so I'm going to try to start looking at assessing things and finding the good and not always putting myself down. Because I know when I am made to sit and look objectively at something that I have done then I will regularly admit that there were good parts to it. I think I just have to start finding those more, make it a practice and stop seeing myself so negatively. I think there is a real choice element to this, because it is not impossible for me to see the good in myself; when made to do it, or when I am getting defensive, I can list off things that I am good at. So I think that I need to retrain my thinking. It's going to take quite a bit of practice, but we'll see how we go.

Things you find out

2006-07-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

You know how you sometimes forget that you can do something because you haven't done it in a while? Well I do. Last night I rediscovered that I could make people talk. I had forgotten that I can do this. I used to say to people, "I am not good because I make people tell me things they don't want to, I am good because I make them want to tell me." I did it last night and that wasn't even the plan. But it was nice, not because I was manipulating someone and that gives me some sinister pleasure, but because when I get people to talk, I help them, and I am good at helping them. And it was just fun, because it felt so familiar and right and it was a reminder of, "This is something that I am good at. I can do this."

And in the meantime, I think a problem got solved. Which is kind of cool. I guess it unfortunately means that when you come down to it, there is a class in which I could be considered manipulative, which I would highly protest. But it might just be true. I guess it all comes down to intention. I'm not trying to do evil, I really am trying to help people.

Unexpected discoveries

2006-07-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

So you know when you think you know someone to a reasonable extent and then you are completely blown out of the water by something about them. I think most of the time it is something that this something is disagreeable and so it a pleasant occurrence when it is most agreeable.

I found a blog today. It's a blog I read everyday. But I went back and started reading the arcives today. Wow. God got me good. Why don't you check it out? Click here.

The confusions of me

2006-07-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

The more you learn, the less you realise that you know. The more you are happy with where you are, the easier it is to be unhappy with who you are. Knowing more about God can make you feel like you know less about God. Understanding more of God's Word often just highlights the fact that really don't know anything.

I guess in the end, the truth is, it's not so much about the knowing and being and understanding, but where you are headed. It's the journey, not always the destination. And more than anything it is being held in the palm of God and knowing that nothing can drag you from there and that's all that really matters.

I made pie!

2006-07-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

If you don't know it, eating pie is a North American institution. There are all sorts of pies that you can make, blueberry pie, rhubarb pie, pumpkin pie and the list goes on. In Australia I don't know if I have ever eaten pie, except once in Year 7 when a Canadian lady made it for us as part of understanding thanksgiving. Pie is just not a big thing in Australia (Hang on, I just realised I used to eat an apple pie that my grandmother would make). My hypothesis is that it is hotter in Australia and so we don't want to bake as much so we don't make pie. But that's just my thought.

So Stephen said that he wanted maple syrup pie for his birthday. This is something that his mother makes (think, huge reputation to live up to with many years of consumption) and is his favourite form of pie. So I decided to make this pie for his birthday and what a saga it has been.

First you have to realise that maple syrup pie is not that easy to make and Stephen had recommended to me that I make a couple of versions of it before his actual birthday so that I could get it right (besides the fact that he would have that much pie to eat). But I didn't get around to it. I also needed to call his mother and got the phone number and lost it twice. So I finally called her on Tuesday to make this pie. And today was the day to make the pie.

Here's how it went. After saying good morning to Stephen I set off to catch the bus down Main St to Superstore (no place here would sell the stuff that I need) and as I am going to the bus I decide to check that I have the recipe. I don't. So I go back home to see if I can find it. I can't. So I have to sneak back into Stephen's room to see if I can find his palm pilot with the number in it. Thankfully, I can. So I call his mother and get the recipe again and once more head off down Main St. I get to my destination and eventually find everything that I was looking for and then take the bus home.

And now came the real action - I had to make this thing, and I had never seen what it looked like before and I have never made pie before in my entire life. So I was totally freaked out about the whole thing, let alone the fact that if you are making anything that requires heating and setting of sugar it can be tricky. And here's how things went. First of all, I tried to bake the pie base (which was actually the wrong type) and as I was putting it into the oven I dropped in and so it cracked and spilled into the oven and I attempted to pick up the pieces and push them back together. Then I mixed the milk, syrup and butter together, which was fine. It was the next bit that was tricky because I was adding corn starch to milk and eggwhites. But the amount of milk was undefined and it ended up that the amount of corn starch I had written down was so much more than it seemed was needed. But I wasn't sure, because I knew that you needed the corn starch to thicken the sugar, but did I have enough. And then there was this whole process of combining the corn starch mixture with the sugar and then heating it until it thickened. And I had no idea what it was supposed to look like. I have done some things with sugar before and so I had some idea of what to do, but was really completely uncertain. And so I heated it in the microwave, 1 min intervals at a time. And slowly it did thicken but I had no idea whether it was enough. I was so worried that it was not going to work. And so I thickened it until the point where I thought that if you thickened it more it would burn. And then I just kind of gave up and said, "If this doesn't work, that's it." In the meantime I am also having difficulty stiffening the egg white for the meringue - which should be the easiest thing in the world to do. I also didn't know what to do with the pie - should I put it in the fridge? Was that going to be bad for it? Could I really ruin it anymore? And so I am completely stressed and feeling very incompetent and like I shouldn't have tackled something so tricky that I had no idea about.

When Stephen woke up and asked me how it was I said that I didn't know and so he confirmed that it should be in the fridge and we left it at that. And so we came home to eat it tonight and I was so worried about it. But when we got it out of the fridge it looked like it should have looked and then when we ate it everything was exactly as it should be. So now I am so excited because I made pie and it was good and I was so sure that it wasn't going to be. It was a nice way to finish off the day that we celebrated as Stephen's birthday.

My life continues

2006-07-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

Life is a crazy thing. It continues to challenge me. I think more than anything I learn how much I really don't know anything. The more you know, the more you realise that you don't really know anything. Knowledge of God still sometimes seems so far off, but yet He is still so gracious and in the midst of my confusion reaches into my world and speaks to me. And truthfully, in it all, it's enough to know that the God of the universe sees, hears and cares. Even if there was nothing else, the knowledge of this alone would keep me walking. And yet there is so much more in my life, even just the opportunity to sit down with a bunch of teens and teach them about how the Word of God has meaningful and practical application to their life. It continues to reinforce to me one of the biggest lessons that I am learning at the moment. I am simply learning to be dependent and immersed and completely directed by Scripture. This is God's living Word. It is His ultimate directive for our life. And yet we walk around thinking that we can do this on our own, that we have what it takes to work it out. Why are we so arrogant to not receive what has been given us. God wrote it down. Why don't we take the time to really understand what it means. There is so much more to it than just a simple reading, this has depth beyond what you could imagine. You could spend your entire lifetime preaching from it and never cover it all. And how do we think we are going to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength if we aren't even taking the time to fully come to terms with what He has already told us. The truth is I can't really get mad, I've spent at least 15 years of Christian life not really caring that much. But people's, get it before me and see the amazing things that God reveals to you.

The preach

2006-07-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

So I preached at X-Culture today. It was the first time that I have preached in a while and I was feeling really nervous about it. And it's crazy, because it's not that I don't know that I can preach. I know that I can preach. I have had people tell me ever since I first started preaching that I could preach. But one of the things that I have been struggling with recently is learning how to actually accept what God has given me and not be doubting myself and not be struggling with poor self esteem or insecurity.

So I preached on Exodus 2 and used the story of Moses and Pharaoh's daughter as a parallel for child abuse in the communities that I work in. And I had a bit more confidence in preaching than I've had in a while becuase I knew that I had used good methodology to accurately draw the message from Scripture. But I was still very nervous. There was really no good reason why. But it was still there.

And then it was good and people were interested and actually heard what I had to say. And I finished and I knew that I had done a good job. But I guess to be perfectly honest, my favourite part was to turn around and have Stephen say that I had done awesome. And he really meant it. And as much as I had been talking to myself before preaching saying that I was not preaching for his approval and recognition but that this is my worship and offering to God, it was so nice to hear him say it. So I guess my prayer is that God I want to find my sense of identity in You. I want to know who I am in You and to bring what You have given me as an offering to you, recognising that everything that I bring has come from You. But somehow, I still know that I am a bit of a sucker for a little bit of affirmation from those around me. Praise the Lord that He works with us where we are.

more things in my life...

2006-07-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Life feels kind of scary at the moment. I think it is because I feel shaken up about possibly the two most key things in my life, me and God. I think all of it is actually good and it is about growth and development but it's not to say that it's not hard. Here's where things are: I have discovered that I have troubles with my self concept, I doubt who I am and I doubt my worth and value. I've never seen this as clearly as I have it has caused me to realise that there are many things that can be said about God or faith that are probably more related to how we feel than they are to what is scripturally accurate. I have come to a place of feeling like I almost don't know who God is anymore because I don't know what I know from the Word and what I know just from other people talking. And when sometimes there are conflicting opinions then it does become very shaky. So I almost feel like I don't know me and I don't know God.

But I don't think that it is coincidence that I have come to a place where I feel like there is this great big hole inside of me that needs to be filled with something (and somehow this hole is linked to inadequacy) and the fact that I am going back to the basics to relearn who God is. Somehow the two seem to be working in parallel, like it is supposed to be that way. So maybe as I learn more about God the whole will be filled because I will learn more about me in relation to Him and so more about me. Maybe it is also about filling the hole with God and not with anything that I might have tried to fill it with.

So it's all a bit scary and uncertain at the moment, but I am not backing out.

things in my life

2006-07-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

There gets to a certain age where I think you just start noticing more and more that you are old. I guess this makes sense, but I also guess I never really expected it to be starting in your early 20s! But here are things that I have noticed that must mean that I am getting old.

- I went to teen camp and some of the kids there are now 10 years younger than me. It used to only be 4 or so
- The perspective of one teen at my table is that I am a 'lady'. I always think that you are old when people start describing you by saying, "I met a lady" (no offense Chella!)
- I didn't know half the songs that were played at the dance party at the end of camp (granted I haven't really listened to a radio for 3 months)
- I certainly didn't like at least half the songs that were played at the dance
- The songs that I did like were all old classics

So I think this means that I am getting old. It doesn't bother me that much really, I guess I just hope that with it comes the benefits of being old because I've spent to long trying to convince people that just because you are young doesn't mean that you can't do things. So I jolly well hope that now that I am old enough that this won't happen, that there comes some follow up with that as well.

I am back

2006-07-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

Hello all. Yes, I know that I have been absent from the blogging world for quite a while now. I can claim all sorts of excuses (including some very valid ones like not having computer access for a week and my computer cord dying!) but aparently there are those that would not consider these acceptable. So I will do nothing of the sort.

Just came back from Teen Camp, which absolutely rocked. I was so excited about hanging out with a bunch of teens for a week and just sharing with them and encouraging them. I forgot how much I enjoy camp. We also had a bunch of kids saved, so that is really exciting as well. Praise God! He did some really awesome things out of the week.

So hopefully I might be a bit more active on this site and then you can all know a bit more about what I am doing.

Conflict

2006-06-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what I might expect would popular belief, I do not like conflict. At least not about anything related to me. If it is just an intellectual argument then I'm probably in there with bells on. But if it is anyway related to me, then I probably shy away from it and would rather not have anything to do with it. I think this is somewhat based around a tendency that I have had to place my worth in what other people thought of me. Which meant that if they disagreed with me or had conflict with me than I felt bad because I assumed that it was related to how they thought about me, which then impacted how I thought about me. Much of that has gone now, because God is good at healing all sorts of things. But I still don't really like conflict. It has also made me feel distant from people and is very draining for me. Recently however it would seem that God has been deciding that it is time for me to learn to deal with this. I need to grow tougher skin and I need to learn how to say what I actually think instead of letting it slide. I am also learning more about thinking on my feet and just being able to address what needs to be addressed. It is still definitely a work in progress. But I am learning. And even when I do it well, I am getting better at seeing how I could have done things. And I am also learning how to not take it all so personally. I guess I am also learning how to stand up for things when I am right. I think I like to keep the peace too much and might let things go that I shouldn't. I still end up sometimes thinking, "Why can't I just let it go?" But I think it's good for me. Something tells me that I might as well get used to it now, because it's probably only going to get worse! :)

The Will of God

2006-06-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

(from the Australian, June 16, 2006)
"For those who are still not Muslim, they must know that (the Bali bomb deaths) were God's will," Bashir said. "That's the advice that must be given."

Turning on Mr Howard and George W. Bush, Bashir said the two world leaders had to also convert to Islam if they were to be saved - a demand he previously put to an adoring crowd of hundreds of supporters on his return from Jakarta on Wednesday night.

"My message for John Howard is that he should become a Muslim if he wants to be saved and avoid hell," Bashir said to cheers shortly after his arrival. "He also should not try to make war on Islam, because he will certainly lose."

"I urge the families of the victims, those who are not Muslims, to immediately convert to Islam so they can be saved and comforted by Allah," he said.

---

If you don't know, Abu Baker Bashir is Jemaah Islamiah's spiritual leader who has just been released from 30 months of imprisonment for condoning the first Bali attack in October 2002. The article includes his words being described as the rantings of an idiot, and anti-Australian, anti-Western hatred. I'm not here to so much give an opinion, but to make observations and ask questions. Didn't someone say the same thing about September 11? Is it less idiotic if Christians are talking about their own God? Why would a Muslim perspective be any less real? When did we ever decide that God doesn't do these things and why? And finally, you still might not like his position, but when was the last time you heard a Christian stand up with that kind of conviction?

I'm totally open to hear the answers...
More thoughts, questions, throw them in as well...

I am..

2006-06-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

So this is my 100th post. Not too bad for only starting in Jan with writing, but not so great as once a day. Ahh, the effects of life at 614 :) But I decided to write this post as a reflection on where I am at the moment. So here it is.

I am...

...still memorising John, it's coming along, slowly but surely.
...getting intrigued with God's ideas of women in church and life.
...feeling a bit sick (might be a sign of working hard).
...becoming more and more interested in learning Greek so that I can read the Bible in the original language.
...slightly tired but still having the time of my life.
...generally feeling very loved.
...having lots of different kinds of chats with people.
...sometimes feeling a bit worn out and needing a dumping ground.
...learning so much from God and about me and just life in general.
...being stretched almost everyday.
...living a crazy life that is never the same and maybe I am slowly getting used to that.
...understanding different perspectives, even when I don't always like them.
...knowing that without a doubt, the safest place in the whole wide world is in God's will.
...wanting to be more and more like Jesus and walk closer and closer with God.
...leading some awesome cells because the people in them are awesome and we have great chats.
...missing home slightly, mostly cos I just miss talking to all those beautiful people.
...developing skills in leadership and I guess management, administration and other related things.
...seeing God open up me, in many great ways.
...falling into the arms of God, because He truly is the only way that I am any good at all.
...leading worship some, even though I really do find it a challenge.
...thinking about preaching but still feeling shy about it.
...deciding that there really aren't enough hours in the day, but more because I want to get more fun in.
...working on a good birthday present.
...gonna go now, cos I think that is enough! :)

Love you all.

Grace and consequences

2006-05-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

So I said to someone today, "I need to go do this, because there's the point to which God has grace, and then there's the point at which there are consequences." I decided later on that I disagreed with myself. Basically it's because the two are not mutually exclusive. There is always grace. Grace always exists, whether are consequences or not, grace always exists. So consequences don't negate grace. But I also realised that grace doesn't negate consequences. For example, with Ninevah, there was grace for the people who repented, but the town was destroyed anyway. Grace exists yes, but there has been an order set in place for this world and actions have consequences. There are some things that have to happen. Grace means that your sins are forgiven and that you are counted as righteous. It doesn't always mean that there aren't repercussions. So grace doesn't negate consequences either.

In the midst of it all

2006-05-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

Found this and liked it. I want to be like this, preaching and continuing on in spite of extreme adversity, speaking without wrong intentions and not for the pleasure of man, but for the pleasure of God. It's good stuff.

1 Thessalonians 2:2-4
But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict. For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.

Battle Zone

2006-05-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

I have said before that when you live in the DTES it is easy to be reminded that you are in a war zone. But particularly this week you are reminded that we are in a war and this is a battle. If you are living here you know what all this is about. If you are connected with our community and not living here, you probably still know, so I don't need to tell you. If you aren't in our community, that's ok, you don't need to know, because God does. Please pray.

And to all those in my community who are living here, this is my offer to you all. I can't go up to you all and ask how you are. I know me, and I will forget or miss someone or something like that. But this is my offer to you, if I am in my house it means, "Would you like to talk?" This will be my position all week (to be extended if necessary). So if you want to, take me up on it. I am available for it.

Love you guys all heaps.

I feel pretty

2006-05-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have a new dress. It is very pretty. It is white. It is for Phantom of the Opera. I like my dress. It is nice.

Chain of events

2006-05-22T12:11:00.000-07:00

I love stories, and one of the places that I am in at the moment is 2 Samuel, which is as good as story as you have ever heard. And it's probably all the more so because of the Hebrew tradition of story telling. I figure they include things to tell it like a story and so you see how it all connects and why it's in there and they weave the threads through as they go. One interesting thing to do is the track the story of Joab, he is such an interesting character. But I've actually been looking at the implications of David's actions. This stuff has impacted me before, but even more so on a second reading of it. So here's somewhat of how it goes.

David should have been off at war. Instead he's at home, congratulating himself on what a great state his kingdom is in. Then he gets distracted and ends up committing adultery, murder, thievery, deception and who knows, probably other things that I haven't pointed out. And yes he comes before God and asks for forgiveness and receives this. But it does say that God was displeased with David (2 Sam. 11:27) and then Nathan tells David that the sword will never pass from his house and that evil will be raised up against him out of his own house (2 Sam. 12:9-10). So God forgives him, but there are still consequences. Watch what happens.

In the very next story we have Amnon and Tamar where Amnon molests his half-sister and gets Absalom really mad because Tamar was his sister (2 Sam. 13:1-22). There is so much significance in this being the next story. Not only do you have this mirroring of David's actions in his family, but in many ways, it is this incident that sets up the rest of the flow.

In a few years Absalom murders Amnon and it had been after plotting and scheming and waiting until exactly the right time (2 Sam. 13:23-29). Because of this he fears David and runs off and this sets up this whole exile situation between Absalom and David (2 Sam. 13:37-39). Then David is convinced to let Absalom come back to Jerusalem (2 Sam. 14:22-24) but still Absalom doesn't come into David's presence for another two years (2 Sam. 14:33).

So you can imagine the kind of relationship that there must be between the king and his son and the time. David did welcome him and love him, but there has got to have been some tension. It would certainly seem that Absalom felt this way. After another four years it seems that Absalom decides to exact more revenge, this time on his father (2 Sam. 15:7-12). And he ends up getting a whole bunch of people on his side and the come against David. Through a bunch of decetion (2 Sam. 15:32-34; 16:15-19; 17:7-14) David ends up not being defeated by Absalom and instead Absalom ends up getting killed (2 Sam. 18:14-15). But this is not before Absalom has slept with all of David's concubines in public view of everyone (2 Sam. 16:22). From this David returns to his people but we also see here the beginnings of the split of Judah and Israel (2 Sam. 19:41-43).

Talk about nothing in a vacuum. If that isn't evil rising up against you, then I don't know what is. And we have swords out and about everywhere. There is also the direct fulfillment of the private actions turned public prophecy. It's all there. And then it sets up the divisions of the kingdom. And it all comes from one action. It's got to be the same in our own lives. Do we notice it? Are we that mindful of it? Yes, God is gracious and loving, but God is just, and there are consequences. And sometimes the consequences are infathomable. I wonder if David ever realised it. I wonder how he felt if he did. I wonder how we would feel if we saw how our actions can change the course of lives. It's worth thinking about.

Matthew 25 - Will you make it?

2006-05-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

So parables are cool. Most people like a story, do they not? But I think the risk with parables is that they are often passages of Scripture that are used so often. We've all heard them too much that we think we must know what they are all about, and are not expecting to get anything new from them. Matthew 25 consists of three parables. Two of them are the parable of the talents and the parable of the sheep and the goats. They are both such common parables that if you know any of the parables, I really probably don't have to say any more than that and you know what I am talking about. However the first parable is the parable of the ten virgins, and I know that of all the parables, that's probably the one that I have heard the least about. Thank God for His provision, because if it wasn't the first one in the list my interest probably wouldn't have been piqued and and wouldn't have gone down the train of thought that is to follow. Here it is:

One of the things that we are to notice when reading parables is that they are often linked and you can have a couple in a row that expand upon an idea to give you a whole picture. In Matthew 25 we have three stories about two groups of people and one main individual (and then one other individual, just to make life interesting) who think that they have everything worked out. In particular they think that they will make it to eternal life (whatever the individual analogy of the particular parable). However, they don't. They thought they were, but they didn't. I read it and think, "Wow, that's got to be worth taking notice of. When could you think that you would make it to heaven and you wouldn't?"

Here are my thoughts on the answer.

Parable of the virgins:
You think that you will enter eternal life because you think that you will have time to sought out your relationship with Jesus. But because you didn't do it when you had time, you get distracted (even if it is in getting ready to find Jesus) and you miss him. Wanting to have had things in order at sometime is not enough of a reason to enter eternal life. (The other interesting individual is in this story, but I'm leaving him for this blog.)

Parable of the talents:
You think that you will receive eternal life because you didn't do anything wrong because you didn't do anything. However doing nothing will not be considered as merely an avoidance of wrong. Instead it is seen that you wasted what was given to you and you didn't do anything with it. You didn't use it to be more than you were given. And for the guy in the parable, what he had was taken from him and he was thrown to the place of darkness, weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not doing anything to risk losing what you had is not enough to enter eternal life.

Parable of the sheep and goats:
It would seem that these goats had the most chance to get "in" of the lot who missed out. You are doing something. It's not even necessarily that you are doing nothing. But it would seem that what you do counts. It is not enough to be doing things that are thought to be nice or even that people might feel good about themselves for doing (this stuff is not specifically referred to, but I figure these people thought they were doing something right). You must have a focus on others. You must see other people as Jesus. You must reach beyond yourself into a broken and hurting world. Otherwise you miss Jesus. Just doing something 'nice' is not enough for you to enter eternal life.

What is enough? It would seem that we need to deal with our relationship with God now. It is not enough to wait for the right time, or until we are ready. There may never be the time tomorrow. Now is the time. Second, we must be diligent with what has been given to us. We must not squander it, either by being lazy, or even afraid. Do not, in any way take for granted what God has given you. Finally, we must have our focus where it should be. It is not on ourselves. It is on others and on a hurt and broken world. And it is about reaching out to them and touching them and knowing them and caring for them.

So that's my thoughts. Wow, longest blog in quite a while. And they are just the beginnings of my thoughts. Feel free to let me know what you think. I am certain I have missed stuff, and I may have interpreted stuff wrong, or I might have just missed the whole picture, so let me know!

Life keeps going on...

2006-05-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in a while. Five days I think. Wow, that's a record for longest time without posting, at least when I've had complete computer and internet access. Life is very full and very good. Sometimes life is so much beyond words that its hard to describe. That's pretty much how it has been for me. Life is beyond words at the moment. It's not a bad thing. It just means I have no idea what to put down here. God is good though. Pray that I keep faithful to Him, that I seek Him beyond all else, that I fall more in love with Him everyday and that He is glorified in my life.

It's all about perspective

2006-05-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I walked with one of my friends last night and we went up the tower of the Harbour Centre that overlooks the city. It was an absolutely gorgeous view and it was just at sunset and it was beautiful. And we got to look down over the whole city. It is definitely worth getting up there for a look, particularly if you have a camera. There was a number of observations to be made.

It is spring, and so there are trees, that a few weeks ago were bare and black are now covered with leaves coloured in the new green of spring. And it reminded me of the seasons, winter has passed, spring is here and with it comes new life. Nothing stays the same, but hope is never far around the corner.

The other opportunity we had was to look down on our city. Vancouver is very beautiful, but truly, what made it so special was to be able to look down on our lives. There are so many places that you can see the locations and remember what has happened there. It was an amazing perspective, kind of like looking down on your life and reflecting on what has been. Even for me, with only 2 months here, the journey has been incredible. God has brought me so far. It was good to be able to share life and where we have been. There is something about this that draws you together so much. It is such a priviledge to have people share some life with you. I feel honoured.

Missing pieces

2006-05-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

I often talk about my life and finding pieces of the puzzle. Well, I found some missing pieces tonight. I have been missing community, but I hadn't really been sure why, because I still have been in community but something was missing. But tonight I had the opportunity to be there for people and be real for them and feel God using me and it just being good and right and how it was supposed to be. And I realised that this is a huge way that I connect with God, Him connecting to other people through me. It's kind of sweet. And I discovered that this is what I have been missing from community. But it's so cool, because I just have so much, I have been given so much, and so I have so much to give. God is good!

A strange twist of events

2006-05-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

So just when you think you have it all down, you don't. I'm not working anymore. I rang up and told the job that I didn't need it because those I was ministering with saw me as too valuable to lose my time, and so they are supporting me in that. It's kind of cool (actually, it's very cool and amazing, I just have a habit of saying things that way). And apparently my lack of blogging causes a disturbance in the virtual atmosphere, so apologies for that. Really, life has been on this other level. Words seem inadequate. Maybe I'll work out how to get it down at some stage... mabye not...

Signs of the times...

2006-05-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I happened to look in the mirror this afternoon at X-Culture and guess what I found. There are at least 5-6 grey hairs on my left temple. Apparently the last 8 weeks have been more challenging than I really thought because they weren't there when I left for here! But God has been really good, and someone reminded me today that they are wisdom. And you never know, they just might be, because I really do feel that I have gained so much while I have been here so far.

2006-05-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

Oh, and I heard something today that had to make me laugh.

"I'm not lost, I'm just temporarily displaced between two locations."

Had to be a male, didn't it?! :)

Monetary Income

2006-05-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

So I have been procrastinating about getting a job for weeks. I really don't want one, because it takes away from ministry time, but I also need one. So there had been a job that one of my friends had told me about that I had emailed and phoned about but hadn't heard anything (apparenty he didn't call because I sounded vague and slurred my words a bit because of my accent - I can do that). So we decided to actually go visit today and so I had an interview on the spot and I start training on Monday! It was bizarre and in some ways I don't think it is what you know but who you know, but praise the Lord for His provision. He is good. And now please pray that I can do call centre work, that it will fit in with all that God is calling me to and that God will use me there for His purposes. Life is good, and so is God!

A few things

2006-05-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

Just to keep you all informed:

If you hadn't worked it out yet, I am planning on staying here for more than a year. I'm pretty sure that is where God is leading me.

Also, for those of you who know, Sean says he is safe!

Finally, I am doing much better. Strange how things work out.

Funny Things

2006-05-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you know things without knowing them.
Sometimes the unexpected is not that unexpected.
Sometimes the end of the world isn't.
Sometimes you remember that life can never be planned.
Sometimes it's funny how things work out.

2006-05-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

If things are the same, why do they change?
If things are the same, why is it different?
If this is truth, did I believe the lie?
If this world is made of certainties, am I standing on the shore?

Nothing ever changes, nothing stays the same
Nothing lasts forever, make the most of every day
If you blink you might have missed it
If you stop it will pass you by
In this world of changing seasons
Time just keeps marching on

Don’t take it for granted
Don’t be sure that it will be there
The race is not always to the fastest
But don’t slow down on the way

Something always changes, some things stay the same
You never know which you will get, don’t waste it all away
It begins at every corner
It starts at every door
While nothing is for certain
I can’t help but ask for more

Life Lessons

2006-05-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

For the last four years God and I have had a yearly lesson. In order they go, God's faithfulness, sacrifice and obedience, love for souls and complete dependence on God. I think I had forgotten that this was the lesson for this year. Or thought that I had learnt it. God reminded me once again that it is all about doing things His way and completely trusting and depending on Him. So once again, He gets His way, which means trusting and not doing things my way and making things happen. It means leaving it in His hands and knowing that He will take care of it.

I am also incredibly grateful for friends and community who reach into your life and also speak into it when you need it. Jesus, thank you for the way that you minister to us through people.

Frustration

2006-04-30T21:57:00.000-07:00

On one hand today was a good day. We went and shared with people at a church about what happens with VUM. Then we had people risk us as well. It was good and fun. But also tiring.

But in the end I would say it hasn't been a good day, just because of how I am feeling. I am frustrated and it's weird because I realise that I had forgotten how much my face tells how much I am feeling and then I realised that I don't have the ability to hide my face anymore. I used to be able to, but I don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I think it comes from getting practiced at being transparent, which is a good thing, but it is frustrating when you don't feel like talking to people. I also can't hide because too many people ask me how I am and actually wait for a real answer. And I never answer without it being true so I haven't been able to hide. On one level I'm grateful for that, but I don't really feel like talking about how I am at the moment, so it doesn't always make it easy. I kind of maybe have an idea of what I need to do to resolve it, but I'm not sure. I keep trying to do the bringing it to God, but it doesn't feel like it's working. Maybe because I actually need to give it to Him and I don't feel like doing that at the moment. Which means that I keep trying to do it my way. Hmm, maybe that's why it doesn't work. We'll see what happens.

The things you do

2006-04-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

So I have been thinking about starting to study again, and I mean really study. I might start a Masters of Theology (or whatever its called). This is kind of huge for me. I have really been talking with God about it. He has told me that the pursuit of the knowledge and understanding is definitely part of His will for me. It's just about the way to do it. So pray that I am listening to His voice and hearing and being obedient to what He would say to me. Pray also that I will have the courage to face what is before me, because I don't always think that this will be fun.

Why wear your uniform?

2006-04-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

Because it opens up doors!

I have recently discovered that I love wearing my uniform and so having forgotten that yesterday was Tunic Tuesday, and so missing a prime opportunity to join my comrades in witnessing by what you wear, as I contemplated my apparel today I decided to throw on my tunic over the rest of my clothes. This decision provided me with an opportunity to continue to be amazed at how God use our 'random' decisions for His purposes. As I waited in line to get lunch a guy standing near notices my uniform and says, "Salvation Army?" So then we got into a conversation about what we are both doing down here and he even asked my name (I usually find it is the other way around first). His name is Anthony, so I am praying that I run in to him again. But I really do believe that he would never have spoken to me if I hadn't been wearing uniform. Praise the Lord for visisibility and a means of speaking and reaching people even when I didn't start by using words.

A Fantastic Day

2006-04-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today has really been a fantastic day. It started with getting my rations done, which is always a good way to start the day. Then I had good conversations and was asked to go to go out for pancakes for lunchfest (revitalising HC terminology - if you don't know, ask). So in celebration of spring (it was around 20C today) I wore a skirt and got slightly dressed up and put on a little make-up and felt pretty. (Another great thing about simple living, even dressing up is better because you do it so irregularly, so even things that you used to wear all the time are dressing up - it is fun.) And I had crepes filled with dark chocolate and hazelnuts and lots of cream. It was so bad but so good. Then I came home and had to go to a meeting for some funding we are hoping to get. It was a great meeting that I think really demonstrated how much we all love what we do and are committed to what we do and how we do a fantastic job. It's always good when your consultant finishes with, "Could I be involved with 614?" To which we replied with a resounding "Yes!" On the way home from the meeting had the opportunity to address an issue that I had needed guidance with and felt affirmed in my original assessment of the situation and it looks like it will be a really good outcome. Came home and led cell for the first time which I was a little anxious about because we have been struggling in cell and God had really told me that I had to address it at that cell. But it was really well received and then God really brought break-through and it lead to an awesome cell. And then I had accountability with Roro, which really just fed off a great cell and was good sharing and praying for each other too. And then just hung out with the people in my house and started doing some reading about the gospel of John. All in all it ended up with me feeling like I love living in my community so much!

Oh, and I have officially become a member of the DTES community becaues I have my first bed bug bites (I never realised that these things actually existed until I came here, I thought they were just a myth, like a bunyip or something!)

And God is really challenging me at the moment with living up to my potential and not being scared to be who He has called me to be. It can be a bit hard and is definitely scary, but still great. Praise the Lord! God is good. I am so blessed.

Kids & Evangelism

2006-04-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

I have been memorising John (I am almost finished the first chapter) and one of the things that really strikes me is the way that the disciples come to Jesus. There is a consistent pattern of someone interacting with Jesus, realising who He is and then finding someone important in their life, telling them about it and bringing them to Jesus so that they can see for themselves. I just love it. It is so very simple but so effective.

Recently I've gotten to see it play out. Each Monday we run a program with kids from the local area and we play games with them, feed them dinner and we also spend time talking with them about Jesus. Possibly the highlight of my week was yesterday, when two kids who were at the sleepover on the weekend, and two kids from the community dinner we hold, came along because we had invited them. Then two of them were asking what age you had to be to attend. Why? Because they want to bring their brother along. How cool is that? These kids have it down! With no seminary grounding or evangelism training they've got it: find where Jesus is, and bring other people to Him. It's that simple! Jesus, help me to be more like these kids.

More pictures

2006-04-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

So my sleep patterns have been a bit whacked recently (as you may have read). So up late and not sleeping, so I added more pictures. Check them out if you like. (link's the first one on the side)

Happily tired

2006-04-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

So I've had max. 1 hrs sleep tonight and I am pretty tired, but it was great. I have just come back from a sleepover with the kids that we have Saturday night activities with. It was such a fantastic night. We had three new kids that we had not had contact with before; we ran a scavenger hunt which really allowed for greater building of relationships with the young people (and the ulteria motive of tiring them out considerably); the night was a huge hit and we proved to the kids that even though we might be 'old' we can still out last every single one of them when it staying up as late as possible.

It was also a great night because it was great to see our team work together really well and just see people pull together and contribute without really too much need of extra communication. We all just jumped in where needed and it worked really well. I am also really appreciative of the helping hand that I received from a friend to get all the stuff up to X-Culture in the first place. I continue to appreciate community more and more and the fact that someone would catch a bus there and back just so that they could help you carry all the stuff you had really makes it special.

Well I'm off to bed. See you all later.

Accountability

2006-04-20T23:29:00.000-07:00

So I think this is the third post for today which is kind of full on, but really the first one was for yesterday, it was just late! But I just finished having accountability with Roro and it was great! In my old corps accountability is huge and something like 75% of our church is involved in an accountability relationship. I talked a couple of times with a few different people about doing accountability with them but it never really seemed to click. And I was never really motivated to make it happen. And so I came over here and I really knew that I had to get involved in an accountability relationship and so I kind of looked around for one. So now it has been about a month since Roro and I talked about doing this. There has been some significant spiritual opposition to us getting to do this I think, but we have stuck at it and finally got there tonight. We really don't have a specific plan of what we are doing, and it might flesh out a bit more on the way along, but it was really great. And we have begun a journey of openess and transparency with each other and I am really looking forward to that. We shared and God was there - it was fantastic. So yay for that and I can't wait to keep this up!

(Roro, who is actually called Rebekha, is in the middle - oh my gosh! I just realised the slight absurdity of me doing accountability with another Rebecca/kha, how funny is that?!)

Two verses

2006-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

I love that the Word of God is alive. I love that it speaks even today. I love that there is always new revelation, even when they are some of the most familiar passages I have ever seen. So here are some thoughts, and they are still rough, and not completely fleshed out, but they are going somewhere. If they don't get there, feel free to help me out!

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Sometimes I have struggles with the things that I can do. Sometimes I hold back from doing what I can do because I am scared. Sometimes I don't want to let that light shine. But I need to. Even though deeds are scary, because then people see them, and then they see you and then they have the opportunity to evaluate you, if you don't do it, how will they ever know. So if I hold back then I'm holding back on people knowing the truth. I never want to hold back on people knowing the truth. I want to be a vessel for them knowing the truth. That means that I can't hold back on what I do. No matter how scared I am.

(second one)

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God is good, and He gives us good gifts. So why doesn't He always give us the good things that we ask for? Isn't that what is meant? Apparently it not. So the question must be asked, "why doesn't God give us something that we ask for if it is good?" And also, "Why doesn't God take stuff away if it is bad?" The only answer I have is that there must be a reason. God says that He is better than us at giving us good things. He also has everything in His power. So it's not that He can't do it. If He doesn't then do things the way we think they should then does it mean that He sees a bigger picture? Does it mean that we just can never understand? Is that enough? Does that end up satisfying? I don't really know. I know this. God can give good gifts to us and He loves to do it. If He doesn't then the only thing I can do is trust Him. I don't know why He does what He does, but I know Him. He does have all the answers. I'm trusting Him with the answers, even if they never come.

So YOUR confused...

2006-04-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

People don't always think I am the easiest to understand. Join the club! I don't even always understand me. Today was a good day, so why do I end up feeling melancholy? Why do I never seem satisfied? Why do I never let things just be simple? Why do I think so much? Why do I ask why so often? Why do I need to know?

Today was actually a really good day, and I felt like I did stuff towards something that had purpose and I did better than was expected of me. And we got stuff done and planned what needed to happen and the sleepover on Sat night is going to rock. And yet somehow at the end of the day something is missing. I have been frustrated lately, and in some ways I know why. I have been frustrated that I care too much about what people think about me and always want them to think good of me and get trapped into doing things or not doing things according to what other people think. I get frustrated that I feel like I could be doing so much more sometimes, and that I want to do so much more, but I don't always know the best way to go about making that happen. I get frustrated that sometimes I get scared of who I am, and then I hold back. I get frustrated that I can share my frustrations with people and sometimes feel like they didn't even really listen, let alone actually care. I get frustrated with lack of time with people, I get frustrated when people don't share. I get frustrated that I am so self-focused.

And you still know what the crazy thing is? If you had asked me even less than 2 hours ago, I would have told you that today had been a great day!

Things that suck

2006-04-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

So do you know something that sucks, I have recently noticed in my life that there aren't really any physical things that I'm doing wrong. What sucks about it is that it's easy to slip into a trap of thinking that you are doing ok. But really what happens is that the battle slips into my mind. It's my thoughts, and my intentions, it's how I treat people and what I am willing to give. No one knows what goes on in your mind. Unless you share it, this is what I am trying to do. I almost hate that they can't see it either because sometimes they start thinking that you are doing ok too and they treat you like that. It's still a process.

Things Down Here...

2006-04-15T09:27:00.000-07:00

So on a more humorous note I thought I would share a few things about my community that have happened since I got back from Van Is that make me love this place.

1. The night I arrived back we had to have a conversation about what we are going to do with the mouse that we have (because it has taken to eating our food, a circumstance that voids its right to mutually exist with us). the options ranged from trying the humane catch and release trap again, using a normal mouse trap, keeping the mouse as a pet to a couple others. It was such an animated conversation for a really simple situation, but that's what you get when the majority of 9 ppl want to weigh in on the situation!

2. The fact that our front door lock is broken because it is constantly getting opened due to all the visitors and our own traffice that comes through this place. (don't worry we have two doors that lock so we are still safe) Seriously, I alone went down at least 5 times to let people in the other day. I love that when my church wants to come visit me they just ring the door bell and walk in. And I can do the same in return.

3. Having a room of 70% Australians and having fun quoting "I Still Call Australia Home", laughing at all the jokes of The Castle and Kath and Kim and having people not understanding at all (it's not really that big an inside joke, it's just Australian 'umour), actually convincing someone that drop bears exist and that the reason that vegemite is so popular in Aus is because it can be put behind your ears as a prevention against drop bears biting your head off.

4. 7 people piling into a 4 person car to go to Denny's (a resturant chain here). That we are that comfortable with close contact, and just that it really didn't seem that an outrageous idea at the time, is pretty awesome.

Other cool things have been Passover meal at knee drill (prayer meeting) the other night and an all night of prayer to bring in Good Friday.

Praise the Lord for community, I love it!

Today is Good Friday - praise Jesus!

2006-04-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

And a Good Friday Was Had by All

This is poem is by Bruce Dawe (Australian) in 1964 and is certainly not the immediate kind of verse that you would associate with Easter, but somehow it is real and I like it. It's written from the perspective of one of the soldiers. Here it is.

------

You man there keep those women back
and God Almighty he laid down
on the crossed timber and old Silenus
my offsider looked at me as if to say
nice work for soldiers, your mind's not your own
once you sign that dotted line Ave Caesar
and all that malarkey Imperator Rex

well this Nazarene
didn't make it any easier
really - not like the ones
who kick up a fuss so you can
do your block and take it out on them
Silenus
held the spike steady and I let fly
with the sledge-hammer, not looking
on the downswing trying hard not to hear
over the women's wailing the bones give way
the iron shocking the dumb wood.

Orders is orders, I said after it was over
nothing personal you understand - we had a
drill-sergeant once thought he was God but he wasn't
a patch on you

then we hauled on the ropes
and he rose in the hot air
like a diver just leaving the springboard, arms spread
so it seemed
over the whole damned creation
over the big men who must have had it in for him
and the curious ones who'll anything if it's free
with only the usual women caring anywhere
and a blind man in tears.

The safest place in the whole world is in Your will

2006-04-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I continue to tell the story about how the best thing in the world is to live right where He wants you to. I was driving home (and we were actually in Van by this stage, yay!) with Pastor James (photos of some of the trip will be up on my photo blog soon) and he told me he had some thoughts. I had no idea where this was going and so I was not sure how I felt about the prospects. Then he says, "I have been thinking that we might be able to pay your rent for you and give you a bus pass each month as compensation for all the work that you do for me. What do you think?" For one of the few times in my life I was speechless. It was, "I... umm... wow... umm... yes... um... wow, I...." I was so blown away. It was not at all expected, and so much more than I expected.

It sent me down a whole trail of thought. The first thing was the struggle I have to simply say thank you. I often struggle to let ppl pay for things for me, whatever the situation. I would much rather be self-sufficient and looking after myself. I somehow feel vulnerable letting other ppl take care of things for me and I don't want to depend on them. It's like if I do, then maybe I owe them something, or maybe they have a part of me. I don't like being it that position with just anyone. I also wonder if they really want to do what they just said, and so I try and give them an out of they want it. So I didn't actually say, "No, you don't have to." But just, "If it doesn't work out, that's ok." So I think God is teaching me more about depending on Him, because if this goes ahead some of my livelihood is held in someone else's hands. It continues to confirm this idea of being a missionary to me. There is the part of me that says, no I want to work and be completely self-sufficient. But I wonder if when I do start working that God will have other uses for my money and He will be telling me what to do with it. It's like, "No, don't work to cover the cost, I have given this to you, receive it and continue to trust me."

So that was kind of amazing and it came at the end of a trip that I didn't really want to go on and still felt not completely connected to until the last day (and I think that was a reflection of the missionary revelation). So I feel that I didn't even go on this trip with a good attitude and I am still given this, and I arrived feeling better than when I left. And so once again it is grace, something I so didn't deserve and in some ways find hard to receive, but there for me to take if I will only allow someone to give it to me.

I also began to wonder how much more I would need to not work at all, and while I believe that God still wants me to work (more so that I have the financial means to support others rather than myself) I am still so excited. How cool is it that someone gives me the equivalent of $269 a month and I start thinking, I only need to pay for food and then I have everything paid for (apart from treats and outings). Go simple living! It makes living so easy cos you need so little and it also means you are blessed so much more because everything has so much more meaning because even little things are significant. Cos I was thinking about it, and the truth is, if it does happen, I am effecting getting supported for just under $2/hr of work that I do. And yet for someone to give this to me goes beyond any expectation. To me it is amazing. So it's kind of exciting to be so thrilled to be working for this kind of money (and it's not really how it is, but I think this is about showing the concept) and it to be the most amazing thing in the world. It kind of makes me think that God is working in my heart to change it and make it more useful to Him. That is very exciting.

So once again I am loving life and am finding once again that trusting God and living life where He says is the best thing in the world because then He takes care of everything and you get to be blown away by it.

You don't know what you got til it's gone

2006-04-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

So I have discovered that the DTES has become home. How do I know this? Because I miss it so much after being away for only four days on Vancouver Island (and I am so much used to here that I was just about to write The Island, then realised all the Oz ppl wouldn't understand). I knew it felt comfortable, but I hadn't realised how much it felt like home.

Here's a couple things I have noticed. I miss my community. I hadn't realised how much they give to me and how much I receive from them. I think I am feeling more tired here because normally I receive actual physical energy from the interactions that I have. And I miss the things that we would normally do over these four weeks (I have discovered that I do have some kind of routine here, because I know specifically what activities I am missing by being here) and I miss the conversations on the deep levels of thought or personal delving that so regularly happen at home.

I have also realised that it has become home because of how I feel about my surroundings. For the last couple of nights I have slept in double beds in my own room in nice houses. And while it is nice, it doesn't feel normal, but it is a treat. But I realise that in a few short weeks I have become very comfortable with how I live. People give me credit for it, but I love it. It helps keep life simple, and it is always a good reminder to be able to walk out your door and actually see those that you have been called to love.

So I really do think I am home in DTES, it is such a blessing. Maybe some of it is the certainty that it is where God wants me right now, and so home is really being found in God's will. But it is also nice to have a physical attachment to that as well.

Urban Missionary

2006-04-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

This is the term that Pastor James uses to describe himself. It's the words that we put on the t-shirts that we used for RAW. I have worn this t-shirt. I've even had the term urban missionary used to describe me. I am only just beginning to realise that it is true. I never thought I would be a missionary. I never thought I was called to other countries. But here are some things that I am discovering: I am a student of culture; I love learning different and new ways that people do things and connecting in with them and joining my life with theirs, I am passionate about seeing people won for Jesus and being a part of that and helping other people to be a part of that (I am discovering that I think I'm not bad at recruitment), I live with people that are not from originally my 'own' people and I live with them as they live, I use my existing skills and abilities to support myself and also get me into the areas that I wish to minister. I think that these things actually do make me a missionary. I just never thought it before. I always thought that missionaries were special people - I am not special (in the ultra spiritual, above everyone else kind of way), I am just me. But I am beginning to recognise that it is not who we are that makes us who we are but who God is. And our position is not what we've done to get there, but what God has given us. So I am learning. In me, I am no one, at all. But in God, there are some things that I am learning that I am. I am an urban missionary, and really the world is my mission field, though right now it is specifically East Vancouver. I am a fighting warrior, selected and equipped by my God to courageously wage war against those who would squash His will and to bring others under His will. I am a pastor, called to reach out and see the hurting and suffering, to carry their burdens, to walk alongside of them, to know them when others don't want to. I am an ambassador, to go from the front lines to those who haven't quite yet realised they need to be there to, to reach in, find them and bring them to where they should be. And while I am these things I am learning to be them all the more. And always learning, that with me, it is all nothing, with Him it is everything.

I live in a monastery? and other thoughts

2006-04-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

So I was having a conversation with Pastor James the other day (I do a bunch of work with him these days, helping with the various ministries that he is doing) and was telling him how we live. Things like the fact that we have so many people in living in close quarters and that it is a very connected community and we are very much about accountability and transparency and discipline and that kind of thing. He said that we were like a modern monastery, like the Fransican monks and all. So that's kind of cool because it's a pretty big word up to the way we live. I hope we actually live up to it. (Though with all the married ppl here, I don't think we'll be adding celibacy to our living conditions!)

Second thing I have been thinking about is my perspective on my current ministry here. At present I am spending a lot of time at X-Culture (Cross Culture) which is a building that 614 rents about 30-40 min walk (everything is in walking distance these days!) from DTES. I am there Mon, Wed, Fri for most of the day and then Sat evening and Sun afternoon. And so you would think that spending so much time there would give me some feelings ownership towards the community. But I have realised that in some ways I have been coming in to help other people with what they are doing, but it hasn't been mine. The crazy thing is I do want to be there, and feel that it is where God has placed me in that place. But it hasn't felt like mine. So my prayer is that I will come to see this place as my mission field, not just the place where I am helping someone else. God help me see these people the way You see them, give me Your heart for them. May they become my people to me, may I love them as my family, as my kids. Plant me in there God. Help me to invest of myself there, to have something that holds me there and keeps my heart there. God let me be Your witness there.

Simple pleasures

2006-04-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

It is cool and funny how being here changes your perspectives on things. One of my favourite things this week was that I went and bought some new socks. I love funky socks and many of my old ones are getting holes in them because I bought them all at the same time so they are all wearing out. So we were at Metrotown and we saw these cool socks, and so now I have four new pair, one with smilies, one with monkeys, one with green stripes (pictured) and one with white, pink, orange and maybe yellow stripes. And they very much did bring me joy. And I find that there are so many simple things that I rejoice in these days. The fact that there is a culture of saying "praise the Lord" about many things here helps. It reminds you who really should be given the credit. So praise the Lord of the joy of new socks!

And now my joy will be complete when I finally know that all my socks are safe and sound sitting in my cupboard!!!

Discipline

2006-04-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is the huge topic of my life at the moment and I really don't have enough of it. This is most evidenced by the fact that I haven't gotten to bed before 12 for at least 4 nights in a row (though last night that was a product of the daylight savings). Why is this so much of an issue? Because it affects the time of the morning that I am functional. This means that I have not been getting rations (devotions, whatever you want to call it) in. But also importantly it means that I have been having issues with getting to my War Room shifts. I had one of Tue and then I had one last night. I got to one hour of the one on Tue and woke up as the one last night was finishing. Now, granted, both of these had to do with issues with alarms but I have also experienced God waking me up when I need it to happen. So I think at the moment my body is too tired to be woken up and so I don't get there. And so what really sucks about this is that I didn't suffer from not doing my War Room shifts but people in my community had to cover them. And that sucks, cos I hate putting people out, and then it's really just not right, because when you make a commitment you should be there. And so at the moment, my lack of discipline is affecting my community. And it's an important lesson to learn because that is how it is in the body, really we aren't all independent and doing our own thing, our actions do affect each other. It's just that here it is much easier to see. And so I am going to have to be more disciplined. I think I need to be in bed by 12 on a normal day and earlier if I have anything special on the next day. And I need to be held to it. Cos at the moment my community is suffering more than me. But the other thing is, with not getting rations in, I am also suffering, and probably just not feeling it at the moment. But I know I will if it continues. And how terrible is it to tell Jesus that you don't have enough time, or priority, for Him. That's not what I want in my life. So grrr, the binds of discipline and love. And to anyone who has had to pick up the slack for me this week, I am really sorry, and please help me to be more disciplined about all of this as well.

A lot of thoughts today

2006-03-31T00:45:00.000-08:00

Hmm, so it is late, so I don't know if I'm going to remember to get all of this down. So I will try. Thus, ends two whole days of me being able to say that it was a really good day. I think it comes from being busy. I am still not getting all my rations and stuff in, which is not good and is definitely about a discipline thing and it is my issue but I am talking to someone about getting involved in an accountability relationship with them, so that is good. But yesterday I was busy because I went down to Cross Culture and helped out Pastor James and I drove for the first time on the other side of the road. It is really weird and I have to think every time that I turn a corner, but it is still cool. And so I did stuff for Pastor James and it is funny, because if it had been a day at yos I would have come home and said that I did not much, but it was so nice to do something. Even if it was just doing work on a display panel that I will probably completely scrap anyway. But that's ok. I did something. And then today I went to visit a friend. I think I can now definitely call her a friend because I have hung out with her twice. We met the first time both of us went to Cross Culture for Saturday night drop-in and then she gave me her number. She is married with two daughters and somehow is just a kindred spirit. I think that if she lived in Aus and I knew her, she and my two married friend and I would all hang out together and playgroup at my house would be absolutely huge!! (check the photo blog if you don't understand the reference) So it was great to hang out with her and fun to be here and talking about kids and families and parenting and God and how it all fits in. And it was almost like God gave me that friendship that I so appreciated here. And it is also a huge blessing because the timing is perfect in my life and also in hers as well and she is about an hour away by bus, which is close enough to be able to travel to and long enough away to feel like you left for a bit. It is nice to have an outside of community connection just to get out of my world momentarily. And nice to hang out with someone who is pretty sure in themselves and not hung up about unimportant things. Also awesome that she has offered her house if I ever need a retreat. Praise the Lord for His provision and for friends to share the journey with. I think that I might even end up going rock climbing with her. That would be really cool. Oh and Jess, she wants to home school, so she really is a kindred spirit. I think you and her would get along well too. She has a lot of the no nonsense attitude and shares your stance on kids and discipline. I think I will really value her.

So I also learnt that I love learning from people in this community. I must continue to remind myself that they do have so much to give me and I must be willing to receive that. Like today this guy on the bus was just so cool and I think really shared his joy with so many of the passengers on the bus. But one thing that he shared that made me think was that the area we were in had big houses but small churches. It was kind of a sad statement to have said of your neighbourhood, but I think true in many cases.

Oh and another thing I learnt. I get by with a little help from my friends. Going to visit today was so easy because I got lots help from people. The original directions I got were great but I asked my house mates about catching the bus and then someone when I had to change buses. And it was just so easy. It reminds me of a quote I read on a blog a while ago, "If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." I think it is an African proverb.

And another appreciation from tonight is that after knee drill (prayer meeting) we went to Tinseltown (local shopping mall with cinemas) and decided we would hang out there until it was so late that they kicked us out. We all eventually got so tired that we weren't sure if we were going to make it. But we did and it was really cool. But we were hanging out and I think one of the reasons that we do it is because we have such good conversations. There is a group of us that kind of hang out a bit for doing this (usually there is me Xander and Olivia, with some tag alongs) and we appreciate each others company. And while we do fun things, it usually also ends up in conversations of significance. And tonight we did listening prayer for each other (lots of mental imagery stuff, imagining Jesus and talking to Him and places and stuff) and in turn we brought each other to Jesus to get a word for each other. Apart from the fact that this is always encouraging it is so fun to hear the words come out and to hear the confirmation for each other. My favourite one was for Xander as we all got words that God was preparing Him for battle and training Him and giving Him strategy and stuff. It was really cool! And I was just thinking about how many of these conversations that I would have in a year, but here I have them at least once a week with this group and then I have so many more of them with other people. It is so cool. I think that is part of the intenseness. The climate of spiritual awareness is huge and, somehow, it is like that we really do live in a war zone. Somehow it is so easy to remember here that you are in a war. So often at home I found it hard to remember. Somehow it is in your face here. I think it has to do with the community, but also the people I live with and the way they talk and the way that they live their lives. I really love it. God is so good!!

Two topics

2006-03-29T21:54:00.000-08:00

So I haven't blogged about the fullness stuff. I think I can only be bothered to do the short version. The short version is that we went to see a waterfall and you had to climb over a bunch of rocks to get to the best part. And I found out that I am a bit more scared of this stuff than I used to be. But I noticed that walking out towards the view I was really conscious of the waterfall and so was really cautious. But coming back, it was like it didn't matter anymore and I was much more confident. It was kind of like, when you focus on the problem then things are very scary, but if you have right gaze (and in life that is Christ) then things are much simpler. I am continuing to find this, praise the Lord!

And then the second thing to blog about is just randomly of DTES stuff. The other day I asked someone what the weather was like out and they said it was warm. I cheered and then I proceeded to put on jeans and a t-shirt and a jumper and a warm hat. And that was about exactly right. I can't believe that I am cheering that warm means that I am still wearing winter clothes! Oh well, but the weather is getting warming and I am really grateful for that. But the temperature indicator on the street today said that it was 18C but it seems colder than that. So I don't know. And that is in the middle of the day, it gets quite a bit colder at night.

My weekend of Fullness

2006-03-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

So we had a prayer and fasting retreat this weekend called Fullness, and not so much because of the irony of the statement, but because that is what we were searching for, more fullness in God. It was led by Major Janet Munn, an amazing woman of God and a very powerful speaker. Real, but very connected and in touch with God. It was good. God is doing some really amazing things in my heart. One person said that it is like I am going through what the War College students went through in the first few months in a condensed version, but I don't really think it's so much that as part of where God has me at the moment. It really all probably started about last September, and God has been doing His work ever since. So it has been a great weekend, continuing to grow in my love and dependence on God and just delighting in Him. I had more opportunities to dance in worship and it is cool to see how it frees other people to express in worship too and then also that it can minister to them too. I also had some good opportunities for healing and opening up more to God and also people around me. I was commended this weekend for my courage and openess which I think would be one of the few times that has happened. But I was being open and we continued along a process that has been started. It was good and it will continue. Hmm, had an observation that I thought I would share, but socialising is happening, so I will let you know later!

A life of simplicity

2006-03-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

So my struggle at the moment is living in simplicity with some of the small things. Cos I went to Army & Navy (the discount store that has everything here) and they don't have my shampoo and conditioner. Now I never really thought I was a snob about my hair but it has been something to consider because I will have to walk into the city to get it. And if I am living as the people of my community should I be going out of my community to buy something they wouldn't normally be using. Then they have two choices with washing powder and while the budget stuff is heaps cheaper, I was tempted to buy the other stuff. I ended up buying the cheap stuff because I only had the money for that. But it is still a consideration. And I wonder if I am just being legalistic but I still find myself asking the question. So I'm throwing it out - what do you think? Is it going against simplicity of living to go outside of my neighbourhood for hair products or am I just getting hung up about things that don't matter?

New Photos

2006-03-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

Well it has been ages since I posted photos that I have taken on a blog but I decided to start doing it again. Apparently my first photo blog "I've been to cities that never close down..." is up and running and you can link to it on the side. I might eventually get around to finishing off blogging the photos from Rome. But for now, this will do.

1 week in Vancouver

2006-03-20T00:24:00.000-08:00

So I have been here over 1 week in Vancouver now, 8 days actually. It's funny because Australia seems so far away and almost like it is a place that I don't know. Which is weird, because then I will talk about how much I love it and how it is the best place in the world. And then I feel like I have been here for ages sometimes but then at others will feel very new and not at all sure of things. So it is interesting.

But I was reading people's blogs and it got me pondering so I thought I would reflect a bit on the week's experience. I think this will be a bit random and all over the place. I guess more than anything I would have to say that this week has not been anything if not full! So here are some thoughts:

I love this place. It excites me and I love being here. Sometimes I think the hardest thing for me to do after this would be to go back to middle class surburbia and try and exist there. At the moment I just don't know how I could do it. In wanting to be an officer, this sometimes worries me because I wonder what I will do if I get an appointment to a corps in such an area. Sometimes it almost feels like I could serve God better if I wasn't an officer. But it still doesn't negate the call that I feel. So what do I do about that?

I have also learnt that I really valued the culture of relationships that I had at home. First of all, I knew people, somehow there is something really significant in that. It's just a pleasure that I have really taken for granted. I have always enjoyed meeting new people, but there is a huge difference between meeting one new person and getting to know a whole community of new people. But relationships are building and God is providing in amazing ways. I am so blessed by what He is doing here. It is so totally amazing. But I have learnt that I appreciated the honesty of relationships that I had at home, and the lack of pettiness and that people said what they thought and if they needed to talk to you, they did. I guess one of the shocks I have had is finding out that this kind of thing is not always something that you can expect across the board. I guess it has meant that I have been even more grateful for finding it when it has existed.

I have also been experiencing lessons in my struggles with people's expectations. I have trouble dealing with people's expectations and I think I am pretty quick at picking them up. Sometimes I wonder if I even create them. But I have been learning more how to go beyond that. God continues to teach me that actually, it is His opinion that matters the most. In fact, it's not even my opinion of myself that matters, but His. And so when I feel like stuff is placed upon me I need to go to Him and find my assurance and security at Him. And so He is continuing to strengthen me in this area. Funny that I would think that this is one of my bigger areas of weakness and it was the first one that has come under attack from satan while I have been here. But I am living in victory over it.

I am also learning more about how much I love God being in control of my life. You know how you say things, and then there are the times when you really mean it. I am sure I have said so many times, God I want you to take control of my life. I don't know how many times I've actually meant it though, because I have consistenly attempted to take back control on more than one occassion. But at the moment, my honest feeling is, God I don't want control of my life at all. You are doing such a good job and it is so much fun that I love it so much. Please remind me when I forget, that I really don't want control. And I don't, I really don't. I don't know if I have ever been in this position in my life before. I have told God He could have control, or "let" Him have control, but right now, I don't want control. I really, really don't. It's kind of cool.

And why would I want control. At the moment things just keep on falling into place in ways that I can't imagine. Every piece of timing is perfect. I was feeling slightly frustrated with community, and God brough along a friend that is outside of community and I think will be a valuable friend to have. I was feeling at a loss of what I am supposed to be doing here, and God has provided. Guess what I think I am going to be doing here? Yep, youth work! Hehe. I met a guy yesterday (Saturday) called Pastor James Lee. He is partnering with 614 and doing stuff to reach kids, youth and family in our disadvantaged neighbourhood. And he is doing a great job but doesn't have enough time to do it all and has been praying for someone with youth work skills to come along. And I went out to check it out yesterday and I happened to tell him this and now things are swinging into action. Bascially he has said that he wants me to be an expert on the demographics and picture our community in the next month. I am meeting with him tomorrow to start to get a picture and to get some research and other things. And he also needs someone with administrative abilities, particularly with the computer, and that I am good at too. And so God has provided perfectly. And so I am really excited about getting a job, so that I can be a youth worker. Strange way to put it, hey? But I feel really excited about being able to give back this gift of what i have been trained to be. But then Pastor Lee also mentioned the idea of being able to find a way to pay me for 10 hours a week or something. At present I can't work as a youth worker unless I get a medical clearance, but I can volunteer. So I may be able to get paid for the other stuff that I do. But even if I don't it is cool. And I guess it opens up opportunities with funding proposals and the like, and may even open up the way for me if I am to stay here for longer. Like I could end up running a lot of this stuff. He wants to do a drop-in and all these other things. And I have experience in all of it. So God is good and there are many great things going on. It is incredibly amazing.

So it has been a week of up and downs. I realise that I probably write here most of the good stuff and don't really write a huge amount of the bad. I am trying to get better at that. But I really feel like life is good. God is just providing amazingly and I know that He has His hand on it and I am being just so totally blown away. It is literally like, "Bec, don't do anything." And then He just makes it fall into my lap. I am overwhelmed. It's huge lessons in grace, cos I just don't deserve it. I really feel like I should be doing something to make it happen or to work it. But it feels like that is the point. God doesn't want me to do that. I need to learn just how to trust Him and let Him do it all. Wow, I am reminded once again that this is actually my lesson for the year. I think maybe I am finally getting it. I was worried that this would be a tough and hard lesson to learn, and there are parts of it that are. But really those are the bits that come from we when I am not totally depending on God. Whenever I am, it is this great and fantastic thing!

So that's me, it's pretty long. Well done if you got through it all!

I little bit of home sickness

2006-03-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

So it had to kick in sometime, hey? But right now, what am really missing is conversations with people who really know me, who know the story, know the details, don't need the explanations and don't need the translations (even though I really am still speaking English!). There is kind of nothing like talking to people that you have spent years with. So I guess that is what I am realising. So to all the people that I have known forever, I love you lots and even for the guys that I have known for a couple of years, you are very special too. And to all my new friends, I appreciate you guys too and I love being here. I look forward to getting to know you better. I guess just right now I just miss home and a great long conversation with someone who really knows me just as I am. It's good to be reminded of it in some ways.

You know you live in the DTES, Vancouver when...

2006-03-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

1) you start to cross the road and realise that you didn't even check the traffic because lights are only marginally worth paying attention to (and I was never a real jay-walker at home!)

2) you are hanging out with some of the guys who are at the food van and then you and your friend decide to go home. So you cross the road, and then you are home.

3) it rains so much that you get used to walking in the rain and sometimes forget to go under shelter even when it is conveniently there.

4) you are standing on the street corner for 5 min and bump into one other person from the community and then get honked by another as they are waiting at the lights. (And then the guy that just walked up to you walks onto the road and jumps in the car!)

hehe, I love it! It's great. Also been working on my struggles with people's expectations of me. Last night got one of my friends to pray for me in regards to this and then went out to continue to work though that. Then when I was going to sleep I realised I still had thoughts bothering me. All of a sudden I realised the attack and told the devil where to stick it. Then I went to sleep and woke up and realised that I was feeling really good about all the expectation stuff and couldn't exactly work out why. Then remembered what I'd done before I went to sleep. So praise the Lord that He wages war for me, even when I sleep!

Life here...

2006-03-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

So ppl here, what can I say about them? Love it here, why, for a couple of reasons. Here are the first three that stand out:
1) There is a really cool spirit of encouragement here. It's like you can't really do anything without people noticing and encouraging and saying thank you. It's cool. So even if you have to do the same menial task over and over (like sweeping the carpeted floor with a broom and then vacuuming up the dusk with the barely working vacuum cleaner and picking up the left overs - I think I have done this three times now!) it somehow makes it that you can do it again because people do appreciate it, which is cool.
2) These guys can worship! It's mad!! Like normally to get a good pumped up crowd you need a lot of people, but here, we have about 50 or so and it just kicks. But it's because people enter in and actually worship and it's not a show and it's not about other people. And they dance!!!! And there might even be equal numbers of girls and guys and it is so releasing for me because I don't feel like I am a distraction, I am just adding to what is already there. So the worship is cool.
3) And then there is the invisibility. These guys are here at something that is professedly a "cool" thing to do and so it might be easy to roll your eyes at the way people just get caught up in the latest "fad". But these guys are real and they mean what they say and they follow it up with action. They also put in the hard yards and go it when things are tough. We have people sleeping at RAW, just so that all the shifts in the War Room (which has been moved here) can be covered. And though it's not bad to sleep here it's not great.

And then although I said three, I would also add community. There is an awesome sense of community amongst the guys in the War College and then also into the DTES community. And they have welcomed me with open arms in a way that I could never have imagined and I am already claimed as one of them. And the amazing thing is that I brought some of my dance stuff, just in case I got the chance to dance sometime during the year. But I am dancing tonight. I have been here three days and they asked me tonight. And I am so blessed by it.

But my biggest blessing so far came unexpectedly this afternoon. I actually went upstairs to find out whether one of our guys had gotten lunch because he has been doing heaps of computer work. Then one of our guys here, Xander (he is actually an Aussie!! woohoo, go the ex-pats!), just randomly asked me if I had a gift of prophecy. I answered, something like, "I think." And then he decided to pray over me about and got a couple of the girls around to join in as well and then God just kind of turned up (Xander is telling me that God was already there, which He always is, but he was particularly, and that is why he asked). It was very cool. Cos we weren't in the middle of the church or anything, it was just there and it just happened. And these guys started speaking these words over me and ended up anointing me and so many things that I had been feeling were confirmed like prophecy in dancing; dancing on injustice; ready to leave at a moments notice no matter the constraints of family, situations, whatever; incendiary; starting fires; invisibility. And then there were words of deep wells and big fires. And then I just got up and danced. And dancing is the best. Well at least for me. I can never explain it to anyone, exactly what it is like. It is just something that allows me to connect with God in a way like nothing else and it is a language that I speak that makes more sense to me than any other. So I did and then people were encouraged and they said so to me. And it just blows you away and maybe God is opening up more of what I am to do here. I don't really know what it is, but it has to do with dancing somehow. So that is cool and I continue to be so excited about being here and God is so good!!! woohoo! life is good!

hmmm...

2006-03-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I get the idea that ppl here don't post as often. The world is just so full on busy here. But in a good way. I'm not really run off my feet but out all day. RAW, the conference that we are running, (yes, I say we because I am helping out) kicked off last night to the great start last night and it will run til Wed. So I think I am going to learn how to live on less sleep. Hmm, try bed by 12 and alarm off at 5.30am. But apparently this is not unusual around here. I just have to get used to it. I guess I know how to ignore sleep, it's just the concept of getting run down. I guess it's about following what God wants me to do and He will look after me. I will try to keep writing though. It is good for me to write down lessons. But this has all just been too full on for me to process yet. I will have to do that. I have moved in finally and will see to getting a tiny bit of furniture, e.g. a set of hanging drawers. But it will be all good. See you later.

I'm home!

2006-03-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

So I'm here, but I'm tired. So gonna go to bed! Will write soon. First post from Van! Wow. I can be here for a year if I want. How cool!

Last Australian post...

2006-03-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

...well at least for a while! And in honour of the occasion, "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again." Wow, this is nuts and crazy. It's full on, I can't believe it. I'm leaving. Wierd. Who knows what is ahead. It's cool, but kind of scary, this is one of those standing at the edge of a cliff about to jump things. Here goes!