musings from my heart

Conflict

Contrary to what I might expect would popular belief, I do not like conflict. At least not about anything related to me. If it is just an intellectual argument then I'm probably in there with bells on. But if it is anyway related to me, then I probably shy away from it and would rather not have anything to do with it. I think this is somewhat based around a tendency that I have had to place my worth in what other people thought of me. Which meant that if they disagreed with me or had conflict with me than I felt bad because I assumed that it was related to how they thought about me, which then impacted how I thought about me. Much of that has gone now, because God is good at healing all sorts of things. But I still don't really like conflict. It has also made me feel distant from people and is very draining for me. Recently however it would seem that God has been deciding that it is time for me to learn to deal with this. I need to grow tougher skin and I need to learn how to say what I actually think instead of letting it slide. I am also learning more about thinking on my feet and just being able to address what needs to be addressed. It is still definitely a work in progress. But I am learning. And even when I do it well, I am getting better at seeing how I could have done things. And I am also learning how to not take it all so personally. I guess I am also learning how to stand up for things when I am right. I think I like to keep the peace too much and might let things go that I shouldn't. I still end up sometimes thinking, "Why can't I just let it go?" But I think it's good for me. Something tells me that I might as well get used to it now, because it's probably only going to get worse! :)

posted by bec @ 11:19 pm