if the effort to be yourself is so much that you want just leave it,
does that mean it was really you or that you were trying to be
something, that was never you in the first place?
or is it simply that discussions of what should take place
take the place of what does take place
and the place that you are left is where you should be
but only because what should be done never was
distance, not always a temporarl consideration.
can you ever be too far away to come back?
Do I believe what I say enough to actually follow it.
It's a good question for me to ask myself sometimes.
My Rights
So i've been having random thoughts a lot recently. So i've been updating my blog. Probably won't happen again for ages. So sue me :P
I have a very big habit of not liking to be hurt in relationships. Of course everyone is like this to some extent, but for me this is a considerable factor for me when pursuing any kind of relationship. I have operated under the belief that there is no need for me to pursue a relationship if I believe that the outcome of it is likely to cause me more pain than I feel like dealing with. As a result, I have often limited my contanct and deep friendship with people around me.
But I'm gonna try and change all this. Because I realised that I have been operating out of a false assumption about what my rights are. I believed that it was my reasonable right to be in a relationship that didn't hurt me too much and to not have to be in relationships that did. But I've realised that I don't have that right. It was never given to me. If I look at the example of Christ I see that he loved, and continued to love even with betrayal, his friends. He was probably hurt more by those closest to him, than I ever will be. If I'm following him, I have to follow this example.
This means that I'm giving up my 'right' to be in a relationship and not expect to get hurt. I'm giving up my 'right' to pull back out of a relationship if I do get hurt. Instead I'm going to give as I can to people, of me, and do so even expecting that I will probably get hurt, but do so anyway, most particularly because Christ did and I know that I find my strength in him.
Random Insight
Maybe this was completely obvious to everyone else, but not to me, however I just kind of stumbled onto this thinking the other day.
If you want to know how your relationship with God is, chances are you can look at how you are treating other people:
If you are shutting people out and caring about your own needs, chances are you are shutting God out and caring more about yourself than following him.
If you are heartless and mindless to those around you, chances are treatment of God is around the same.
If are openly loving, giving and sacrificing to those around you, chances are you'll see it in the way that you approach God as well.
Like I said, maybe it made sense to everyone else, but it just hit me. We are told that we will be known by how we show love to one another, and there is the remind, "Whatever you do to the least of these..." but somehow this really puts it into perspective for me.
On My Terms
I recently chatted with someone aobut God.
Was a fun conversation, made me think, made me want to know more.
Here's what stuck out:
"I wouldn't want to believe in a God like that." (spoken by my friend)
Funnily enough, it means that they answered their later question of,
"If God is so awesome and powerful, why doesn't everyone follow him?"
Easy,
because then we might have to believe in a God who doesn't do things our way.
Thing is this, it isn't just the 'non-Christians' that think this.
I think that the Christians do to.
What happens if it costs too much, hurts too much, challenges too much, if God asks too much, if He calls the shots too much, if He remains himself too much?
Then do we really want to follow Him?
Do we really?
Or is it for easier to pick and choose the parts of God that we like,
and just stay with that?
I want to follow a God not of my own creation,
but as He is, and know Him as He is,
and follow, for all that it costs me.
when life, love and living collide
that is a spectacular thing.
and when the day is done,
and the night is over,
i want to know i lived
and that the living was living
not shrinking
not pouting
not moaning
and not making excuses
but that i lived
Things I Wrote
None of it is great, but I wrote it just the same.
because all the words have been said
the remains are simple
love was given, blood was shed
for a dying world
that turned its back instead
of grace I am unworthy
there is none of me
and so it is most surely
that I am here
until we see eternity
I am not who I have been
I have not been what I was
I can be what I will be
I am trying to be not even more,
just the same.
