Things you find out
You know how you sometimes forget that you can do something because you haven't done it in a while? Well I do. Last night I rediscovered that I could make people talk. I had forgotten that I can do this. I used to say to people, "I am not good because I make people tell me things they don't want to, I am good because I make them want to tell me." I did it last night and that wasn't even the plan. But it was nice, not because I was manipulating someone and that gives me some sinister pleasure, but because when I get people to talk, I help them, and I am good at helping them. And it was just fun, because it felt so familiar and right and it was a reminder of, "This is something that I am good at. I can do this." And in the meantime, I think a problem got solved. Which is kind of cool. I guess it unfortunately means that when you come down to it, there is a class in which I could be considered manipulative, which I would highly protest. But it might just be true. I guess it all comes down to intention. I'm not trying to do evil, I really am trying to help people.
Unexpected discoveries
So you know when you think you know someone to a reasonable extent and then you are completely blown out of the water by something about them. I think most of the time it is something that this something is disagreeable and so it a pleasant occurrence when it is most agreeable. I found a blog today. It's a blog I read everyday. But I went back and started reading the arcives today. Wow. God got me good. Why don't you check it out? Click here.
The confusions of me
The more you learn, the less you realise that you know. The more you are happy with where you are, the easier it is to be unhappy with who you are. Knowing more about God can make you feel like you know less about God. Understanding more of God's Word often just highlights the fact that really don't know anything. I guess in the end, the truth is, it's not so much about the knowing and being and understanding, but where you are headed. It's the journey, not always the destination. And more than anything it is being held in the palm of God and knowing that nothing can drag you from there and that's all that really matters.
I made pie!
If you don't know it, eating pie is a North American institution. There are all sorts of pies that you can make, blueberry pie, rhubarb pie, pumpkin pie and the list goes on. In Australia I don't know if I have ever eaten pie, except once in Year 7 when a Canadian lady made it for us as part of understanding thanksgiving. Pie is just not a big thing in Australia (Hang on, I just realised I used to eat an apple pie that my grandmother would make). My hypothesis is that it is hotter in Australia and so we don't want to bake as much so we don't make pie. But that's just my thought.So Stephen said that he wanted maple syrup pie for his birthday. This is something that his mother makes (think, huge reputation to live up to with many years of consumption) and is his favourite form of pie. So I decided to make this pie for his birthday and what a saga it has been. First you have to realise that maple syrup pie is not that easy to make and Stephen had recommended to me that I make a couple of versions of it before his actual birthday so that I could get it right (besides the fact that he would have that much pie to eat). But I didn't get around to it. I also needed to call his mother and got the phone number and lost it twice. So I finally called her on Tuesday to make this pie. And today was the day to make the pie. Here's how it went. After saying good morning to Stephen I set off to catch the bus down Main St to Superstore (no place here would sell the stuff that I need) and as I am going to the bus I decide to check that I have the recipe. I don't. So I go back home to see if I can find it. I can't. So I have to sneak back into Stephen's room to see if I can find his palm pilot with the number in it. Thankfully, I can. So I call his mother and get the recipe again and once more head off down Main St. I get to my destination and eventually find everything that I was looking for and then take the bus home. And now came the real action - I had to make this thing, and I had never seen what it looked like before and I have never made pie before in my entire life. So I was totally freaked out about the whole thing, let alone the fact that if you are making anything that requires heating and setting of sugar it can be tricky. And here's how things went. First of all, I tried to bake the pie base (which was actually the wrong type) and as I was putting it into the oven I dropped in and so it cracked and spilled into the oven and I attempted to pick up the pieces and push them back together. Then I mixed the milk, syrup and butter together, which was fine. It was the next bit that was tricky because I was adding corn starch to milk and eggwhites. But the amount of milk was undefined and it ended up that the amount of corn starch I had written down was so much more than it seemed was needed. But I wasn't sure, because I knew that you needed the corn starch to thicken the sugar, but did I have enough. And then there was this whole process of combining the corn starch mixture with the sugar and then heating it until it thickened. And I had no idea what it was supposed to look like. I have done some things with sugar before and so I had some idea of what to do, but was really completely uncertain. And so I heated it in the microwave, 1 min intervals at a time. And slowly it did thicken but I had no idea whether it was enough. I was so worried that it was not going to work. And so I thickened it until the point where I thought that if you thickened it more it would burn. And then I just kind of gave up and said, "If this doesn't work, that's it." In the meantime I am also having difficulty stiffening the egg white for the meringue - which should be the easiest thing in the world to do. I also didn't know what to do with the pie - should I put it in the fridge? Was that going to be bad for it? Could I really ruin it anymore? And so I am completely stressed and feeling very incompetent and like I shouldn't have tackled something so tricky that I had no idea about. When Stephen woke up and asked me how it was I said that I didn't know and so he confirmed that it should be in the fridge and we left it at that. And so we came home to eat it tonight and I was so worried about it. But when we got it out of the fridge it looked like it should have looked and then when we ate it everything was exactly as it should be. So now I am so excited because I made pie and it was good and I was so sure that it wasn't going to be. It was a nice way to finish off the day that we celebrated as Stephen's birthday.
My life continues
Life is a crazy thing. It continues to challenge me. I think more than anything I learn how much I really don't know anything. The more you know, the more you realise that you don't really know anything. Knowledge of God still sometimes seems so far off, but yet He is still so gracious and in the midst of my confusion reaches into my world and speaks to me. And truthfully, in it all, it's enough to know that the God of the universe sees, hears and cares. Even if there was nothing else, the knowledge of this alone would keep me walking. And yet there is so much more in my life, even just the opportunity to sit down with a bunch of teens and teach them about how the Word of God has meaningful and practical application to their life. It continues to reinforce to me one of the biggest lessons that I am learning at the moment. I am simply learning to be dependent and immersed and completely directed by Scripture. This is God's living Word. It is His ultimate directive for our life. And yet we walk around thinking that we can do this on our own, that we have what it takes to work it out. Why are we so arrogant to not receive what has been given us. God wrote it down. Why don't we take the time to really understand what it means. There is so much more to it than just a simple reading, this has depth beyond what you could imagine. You could spend your entire lifetime preaching from it and never cover it all. And how do we think we are going to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength if we aren't even taking the time to fully come to terms with what He has already told us. The truth is I can't really get mad, I've spent at least 15 years of Christian life not really caring that much. But people's, get it before me and see the amazing things that God reveals to you.
The preach
So I preached at X-Culture today. It was the first time that I have preached in a while and I was feeling really nervous about it. And it's crazy, because it's not that I don't know that I can preach. I know that I can preach. I have had people tell me ever since I first started preaching that I could preach. But one of the things that I have been struggling with recently is learning how to actually accept what God has given me and not be doubting myself and not be struggling with poor self esteem or insecurity. So I preached on Exodus 2 and used the story of Moses and Pharaoh's daughter as a parallel for child abuse in the communities that I work in. And I had a bit more confidence in preaching than I've had in a while becuase I knew that I had used good methodology to accurately draw the message from Scripture. But I was still very nervous. There was really no good reason why. But it was still there. And then it was good and people were interested and actually heard what I had to say. And I finished and I knew that I had done a good job. But I guess to be perfectly honest, my favourite part was to turn around and have Stephen say that I had done awesome. And he really meant it. And as much as I had been talking to myself before preaching saying that I was not preaching for his approval and recognition but that this is my worship and offering to God, it was so nice to hear him say it. So I guess my prayer is that God I want to find my sense of identity in You. I want to know who I am in You and to bring what You have given me as an offering to you, recognising that everything that I bring has come from You. But somehow, I still know that I am a bit of a sucker for a little bit of affirmation from those around me. Praise the Lord that He works with us where we are.
more things in my life...
Life feels kind of scary at the moment. I think it is because I feel shaken up about possibly the two most key things in my life, me and God. I think all of it is actually good and it is about growth and development but it's not to say that it's not hard. Here's where things are: I have discovered that I have troubles with my self concept, I doubt who I am and I doubt my worth and value. I've never seen this as clearly as I have it has caused me to realise that there are many things that can be said about God or faith that are probably more related to how we feel than they are to what is scripturally accurate. I have come to a place of feeling like I almost don't know who God is anymore because I don't know what I know from the Word and what I know just from other people talking. And when sometimes there are conflicting opinions then it does become very shaky. So I almost feel like I don't know me and I don't know God. But I don't think that it is coincidence that I have come to a place where I feel like there is this great big hole inside of me that needs to be filled with something (and somehow this hole is linked to inadequacy) and the fact that I am going back to the basics to relearn who God is. Somehow the two seem to be working in parallel, like it is supposed to be that way. So maybe as I learn more about God the whole will be filled because I will learn more about me in relation to Him and so more about me. Maybe it is also about filling the hole with God and not with anything that I might have tried to fill it with.So it's all a bit scary and uncertain at the moment, but I am not backing out.
things in my life
There gets to a certain age where I think you just start noticing more and more that you are old. I guess this makes sense, but I also guess I never really expected it to be starting in your early 20s! But here are things that I have noticed that must mean that I am getting old.- I went to teen camp and some of the kids there are now 10 years younger than me. It used to only be 4 or so- The perspective of one teen at my table is that I am a 'lady'. I always think that you are old when people start describing you by saying, "I met a lady" (no offense Chella!)- I didn't know half the songs that were played at the dance party at the end of camp (granted I haven't really listened to a radio for 3 months)- I certainly didn't like at least half the songs that were played at the dance- The songs that I did like were all old classics So I think this means that I am getting old. It doesn't bother me that much really, I guess I just hope that with it comes the benefits of being old because I've spent to long trying to convince people that just because you are young doesn't mean that you can't do things. So I jolly well hope that now that I am old enough that this won't happen, that there comes some follow up with that as well.
I am back
Hello all. Yes, I know that I have been absent from the blogging world for quite a while now. I can claim all sorts of excuses (including some very valid ones like not having computer access for a week and my computer cord dying!) but aparently there are those that would not consider these acceptable. So I will do nothing of the sort.Just came back from Teen Camp, which absolutely rocked. I was so excited about hanging out with a bunch of teens for a week and just sharing with them and encouraging them. I forgot how much I enjoy camp. We also had a bunch of kids saved, so that is really exciting as well. Praise God! He did some really awesome things out of the week. So hopefully I might be a bit more active on this site and then you can all know a bit more about what I am doing.
