30 April 2006

Frustration

On one hand today was a good day. We went and shared with people at a church about what happens with VUM. Then we had people risk us as well. It was good and fun. But also tiring.

But in the end I would say it hasn't been a good day, just because of how I am feeling. I am frustrated and it's weird because I realise that I had forgotten how much my face tells how much I am feeling and then I realised that I don't have the ability to hide my face anymore. I used to be able to, but I don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I think it comes from getting practiced at being transparent, which is a good thing, but it is frustrating when you don't feel like talking to people. I also can't hide because too many people ask me how I am and actually wait for a real answer. And I never answer without it being true so I haven't been able to hide. On one level I'm grateful for that, but I don't really feel like talking about how I am at the moment, so it doesn't always make it easy. I kind of maybe have an idea of what I need to do to resolve it, but I'm not sure. I keep trying to do the bringing it to God, but it doesn't feel like it's working. Maybe because I actually need to give it to Him and I don't feel like doing that at the moment. Which means that I keep trying to do it my way. Hmm, maybe that's why it doesn't work. We'll see what happens.

posted by bec @ 9:57 pm 1 comments

28 April 2006

The things you do

So I have been thinking about starting to study again, and I mean really study. I might start a Masters of Theology (or whatever its called). This is kind of huge for me. I have really been talking with God about it. He has told me that the pursuit of the knowledge and understanding is definitely part of His will for me. It's just about the way to do it. So pray that I am listening to His voice and hearing and being obedient to what He would say to me. Pray also that I will have the courage to face what is before me, because I don't always think that this will be fun.

posted by bec @ 12:04 am 5 comments

26 April 2006

Why wear your uniform?

Because it opens up doors!

I have recently discovered that I love wearing my uniform and so having forgotten that yesterday was Tunic Tuesday, and so missing a prime opportunity to join my comrades in witnessing by what you wear, as I contemplated my apparel today I decided to throw on my tunic over the rest of my clothes. This decision provided me with an opportunity to continue to be amazed at how God use our 'random' decisions for His purposes. As I waited in line to get lunch a guy standing near notices my uniform and says, "Salvation Army?" So then we got into a conversation about what we are both doing down here and he even asked my name (I usually find it is the other way around first). His name is Anthony, so I am praying that I run in to him again. But I really do believe that he would never have spoken to me if I hadn't been wearing uniform. Praise the Lord for visisibility and a means of speaking and reaching people even when I didn't start by using words.

posted by bec @ 12:05 pm 0 comments

25 April 2006

A Fantastic Day

Today has really been a fantastic day. It started with getting my rations done, which is always a good way to start the day. Then I had good conversations and was asked to go to go out for pancakes for lunchfest (revitalising HC terminology - if you don't know, ask). So in celebration of spring (it was around 20C today) I wore a skirt and got slightly dressed up and put on a little make-up and felt pretty. (Another great thing about simple living, even dressing up is better because you do it so irregularly, so even things that you used to wear all the time are dressing up - it is fun.) And I had crepes filled with dark chocolate and hazelnuts and lots of cream. It was so bad but so good. Then I came home and had to go to a meeting for some funding we are hoping to get. It was a great meeting that I think really demonstrated how much we all love what we do and are committed to what we do and how we do a fantastic job. It's always good when your consultant finishes with, "Could I be involved with 614?" To which we replied with a resounding "Yes!" On the way home from the meeting had the opportunity to address an issue that I had needed guidance with and felt affirmed in my original assessment of the situation and it looks like it will be a really good outcome. Came home and led cell for the first time which I was a little anxious about because we have been struggling in cell and God had really told me that I had to address it at that cell. But it was really well received and then God really brought break-through and it lead to an awesome cell. And then I had accountability with Roro, which really just fed off a great cell and was good sharing and praying for each other too. And then just hung out with the people in my house and started doing some reading about the gospel of John. All in all it ended up with me feeling like I love living in my community so much!

Oh, and I have officially become a member of the DTES community becaues I have my first bed bug bites (I never realised that these things actually existed until I came here, I thought they were just a myth, like a bunyip or something!)

And God is really challenging me at the moment with living up to my potential and not being scared to be who He has called me to be. It can be a bit hard and is definitely scary, but still great. Praise the Lord! God is good. I am so blessed.

posted by bec @ 10:59 pm 1 comments

Kids & Evangelism

I have been memorising John (I am almost finished the first chapter) and one of the things that really strikes me is the way that the disciples come to Jesus. There is a consistent pattern of someone interacting with Jesus, realising who He is and then finding someone important in their life, telling them about it and bringing them to Jesus so that they can see for themselves. I just love it. It is so very simple but so effective.

Recently I've gotten to see it play out. Each Monday we run a program with kids from the local area and we play games with them, feed them dinner and we also spend time talking with them about Jesus. Possibly the highlight of my week was yesterday, when two kids who were at the sleepover on the weekend, and two kids from the community dinner we hold, came along because we had invited them. Then two of them were asking what age you had to be to attend. Why? Because they want to bring their brother along. How cool is that? These kids have it down! With no seminary grounding or evangelism training they've got it: find where Jesus is, and bring other people to Him. It's that simple! Jesus, help me to be more like these kids.

posted by bec @ 9:33 am 0 comments

More pictures

So my sleep patterns have been a bit whacked recently (as you may have read). So up late and not sleeping, so I added more pictures. Check them out if you like. (link's the first one on the side)

posted by bec @ 3:32 am 0 comments

23 April 2006

Happily tired

So I've had max. 1 hrs sleep tonight and I am pretty tired, but it was great. I have just come back from a sleepover with the kids that we have Saturday night activities with. It was such a fantastic night. We had three new kids that we had not had contact with before; we ran a scavenger hunt which really allowed for greater building of relationships with the young people (and the ulteria motive of tiring them out considerably); the night was a huge hit and we proved to the kids that even though we might be 'old' we can still out last every single one of them when it staying up as late as possible.

It was also a great night because it was great to see our team work together really well and just see people pull together and contribute without really too much need of extra communication. We all just jumped in where needed and it worked really well. I am also really appreciative of the helping hand that I received from a friend to get all the stuff up to X-Culture in the first place. I continue to appreciate community more and more and the fact that someone would catch a bus there and back just so that they could help you carry all the stuff you had really makes it special.

Well I'm off to bed. See you all later.

posted by bec @ 9:41 am 1 comments

20 April 2006

Accountability

So I think this is the third post for today which is kind of full on, but really the first one was for yesterday, it was just late! But I just finished having accountability with Roro and it was great! In my old corps accountability is huge and something like 75% of our church is involved in an accountability relationship. I talked a couple of times with a few different people about doing accountability with them but it never really seemed to click. And I was never really motivated to make it happen. And so I came over here and I really knew that I had to get involved in an accountability relationship and so I kind of looked around for one. So now it has been about a month since Roro and I talked about doing this. There has been some significant spiritual opposition to us getting to do this I think, but we have stuck at it and finally got there tonight. We really don't have a specific plan of what we are doing, and it might flesh out a bit more on the way along, but it was really great. And we have begun a journey of openess and transparency with each other and I am really looking forward to that. We shared and God was there - it was fantastic. So yay for that and I can't wait to keep this up!

(Roro, who is actually called Rebekha, is in the middle - oh my gosh! I just realised the slight absurdity of me doing accountability with another Rebecca/kha, how funny is that?!)

posted by bec @ 11:29 pm 4 comments

Two verses

I love that the Word of God is alive. I love that it speaks even today. I love that there is always new revelation, even when they are some of the most familiar passages I have ever seen. So here are some thoughts, and they are still rough, and not completely fleshed out, but they are going somewhere. If they don't get there, feel free to help me out!

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Sometimes I have struggles with the things that I can do. Sometimes I hold back from doing what I can do because I am scared. Sometimes I don't want to let that light shine. But I need to. Even though deeds are scary, because then people see them, and then they see you and then they have the opportunity to evaluate you, if you don't do it, how will they ever know. So if I hold back then I'm holding back on people knowing the truth. I never want to hold back on people knowing the truth. I want to be a vessel for them knowing the truth. That means that I can't hold back on what I do. No matter how scared I am.

(second one)

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God is good, and He gives us good gifts. So why doesn't He always give us the good things that we ask for? Isn't that what is meant? Apparently it not. So the question must be asked, "why doesn't God give us something that we ask for if it is good?" And also, "Why doesn't God take stuff away if it is bad?" The only answer I have is that there must be a reason. God says that He is better than us at giving us good things. He also has everything in His power. So it's not that He can't do it. If He doesn't then do things the way we think they should then does it mean that He sees a bigger picture? Does it mean that we just can never understand? Is that enough? Does that end up satisfying? I don't really know. I know this. God can give good gifts to us and He loves to do it. If He doesn't then the only thing I can do is trust Him. I don't know why He does what He does, but I know Him. He does have all the answers. I'm trusting Him with the answers, even if they never come.

posted by bec @ 1:33 pm 0 comments

So YOUR confused...

People don't always think I am the easiest to understand. Join the club! I don't even always understand me. Today was a good day, so why do I end up feeling melancholy? Why do I never seem satisfied? Why do I never let things just be simple? Why do I think so much? Why do I ask why so often? Why do I need to know?

Today was actually a really good day, and I felt like I did stuff towards something that had purpose and I did better than was expected of me. And we got stuff done and planned what needed to happen and the sleepover on Sat night is going to rock. And yet somehow at the end of the day something is missing. I have been frustrated lately, and in some ways I know why. I have been frustrated that I care too much about what people think about me and always want them to think good of me and get trapped into doing things or not doing things according to what other people think. I get frustrated that I feel like I could be doing so much more sometimes, and that I want to do so much more, but I don't always know the best way to go about making that happen. I get frustrated that sometimes I get scared of who I am, and then I hold back. I get frustrated that I can share my frustrations with people and sometimes feel like they didn't even really listen, let alone actually care. I get frustrated with lack of time with people, I get frustrated when people don't share. I get frustrated that I am so self-focused.

And you still know what the crazy thing is? If you had asked me even less than 2 hours ago, I would have told you that today had been a great day!

posted by bec @ 1:15 am 0 comments

16 April 2006

Things that suck


So do you know something that sucks, I have recently noticed in my life that there aren't really any physical things that I'm doing wrong. What sucks about it is that it's easy to slip into a trap of thinking that you are doing ok. But really what happens is that the battle slips into my mind. It's my thoughts, and my intentions, it's how I treat people and what I am willing to give. No one knows what goes on in your mind. Unless you share it, this is what I am trying to do. I almost hate that they can't see it either because sometimes they start thinking that you are doing ok too and they treat you like that. It's still a process.

posted by bec @ 11:30 pm 1 comments

15 April 2006

Things Down Here...

So on a more humorous note I thought I would share a few things about my community that have happened since I got back from Van Is that make me love this place.

1. The night I arrived back we had to have a conversation about what we are going to do with the mouse that we have (because it has taken to eating our food, a circumstance that voids its right to mutually exist with us). the options ranged from trying the humane catch and release trap again, using a normal mouse trap, keeping the mouse as a pet to a couple others. It was such an animated conversation for a really simple situation, but that's what you get when the majority of 9 ppl want to weigh in on the situation!

2. The fact that our front door lock is broken because it is constantly getting opened due to all the visitors and our own traffice that comes through this place. (don't worry we have two doors that lock so we are still safe) Seriously, I alone went down at least 5 times to let people in the other day. I love that when my church wants to come visit me they just ring the door bell and walk in. And I can do the same in return.

3. Having a room of 70% Australians and having fun quoting "I Still Call Australia Home", laughing at all the jokes of The Castle and Kath and Kim and having people not understanding at all (it's not really that big an inside joke, it's just Australian 'umour), actually convincing someone that drop bears exist and that the reason that vegemite is so popular in Aus is because it can be put behind your ears as a prevention against drop bears biting your head off.

4. 7 people piling into a 4 person car to go to Denny's (a resturant chain here). That we are that comfortable with close contact, and just that it really didn't seem that an outrageous idea at the time, is pretty awesome.

Other cool things have been Passover meal at knee drill (prayer meeting) the other night and an all night of prayer to bring in Good Friday.

Praise the Lord for community, I love it!

posted by bec @ 9:27 am 2 comments

14 April 2006

Today is Good Friday - praise Jesus!

And a Good Friday Was Had by All

This is poem is by Bruce Dawe (Australian) in 1964 and is certainly not the immediate kind of verse that you would associate with Easter, but somehow it is real and I like it. It's written from the perspective of one of the soldiers. Here it is.

------

You man there keep those women back
and God Almighty he laid down
on the crossed timber and old Silenus
my offsider looked at me as if to say
nice work for soldiers, your mind's not your own
once you sign that dotted line Ave Caesar
and all that malarkey Imperator Rex

well this Nazarene
didn't make it any easier
really - not like the ones
who kick up a fuss so you can
do your block and take it out on them
Silenus
held the spike steady and I let fly
with the sledge-hammer, not looking
on the downswing trying hard not to hear
over the women's wailing the bones give way
the iron shocking the dumb wood.

Orders is orders, I said after it was over
nothing personal you understand - we had a
drill-sergeant once thought he was God but he wasn't
a patch on you

then we hauled on the ropes
and he rose in the hot air
like a diver just leaving the springboard, arms spread
so it seemed
over the whole damned creation
over the big men who must have had it in for him
and the curious ones who'll anything if it's free
with only the usual women caring anywhere
and a blind man in tears.

posted by bec @ 4:20 pm 1 comments

13 April 2006

The safest place in the whole world is in Your will

Ok, so I continue to tell the story about how the best thing in the world is to live right where He wants you to. I was driving home (and we were actually in Van by this stage, yay!) with Pastor James (photos of some of the trip will be up on my photo blog soon) and he told me he had some thoughts. I had no idea where this was going and so I was not sure how I felt about the prospects. Then he says, "I have been thinking that we might be able to pay your rent for you and give you a bus pass each month as compensation for all the work that you do for me. What do you think?" For one of the few times in my life I was speechless. It was, "I... umm... wow... umm... yes... um... wow, I...." I was so blown away. It was not at all expected, and so much more than I expected.

It sent me down a whole trail of thought. The first thing was the struggle I have to simply say thank you. I often struggle to let ppl pay for things for me, whatever the situation. I would much rather be self-sufficient and looking after myself. I somehow feel vulnerable letting other ppl take care of things for me and I don't want to depend on them. It's like if I do, then maybe I owe them something, or maybe they have a part of me. I don't like being it that position with just anyone. I also wonder if they really want to do what they just said, and so I try and give them an out of they want it. So I didn't actually say, "No, you don't have to." But just, "If it doesn't work out, that's ok." So I think God is teaching me more about depending on Him, because if this goes ahead some of my livelihood is held in someone else's hands. It continues to confirm this idea of being a missionary to me. There is the part of me that says, no I want to work and be completely self-sufficient. But I wonder if when I do start working that God will have other uses for my money and He will be telling me what to do with it. It's like, "No, don't work to cover the cost, I have given this to you, receive it and continue to trust me."

So that was kind of amazing and it came at the end of a trip that I didn't really want to go on and still felt not completely connected to until the last day (and I think that was a reflection of the missionary revelation). So I feel that I didn't even go on this trip with a good attitude and I am still given this, and I arrived feeling better than when I left. And so once again it is grace, something I so didn't deserve and in some ways find hard to receive, but there for me to take if I will only allow someone to give it to me.

I also began to wonder how much more I would need to not work at all, and while I believe that God still wants me to work (more so that I have the financial means to support others rather than myself) I am still so excited. How cool is it that someone gives me the equivalent of $269 a month and I start thinking, I only need to pay for food and then I have everything paid for (apart from treats and outings). Go simple living! It makes living so easy cos you need so little and it also means you are blessed so much more because everything has so much more meaning because even little things are significant. Cos I was thinking about it, and the truth is, if it does happen, I am effecting getting supported for just under $2/hr of work that I do. And yet for someone to give this to me goes beyond any expectation. To me it is amazing. So it's kind of exciting to be so thrilled to be working for this kind of money (and it's not really how it is, but I think this is about showing the concept) and it to be the most amazing thing in the world. It kind of makes me think that God is working in my heart to change it and make it more useful to Him. That is very exciting.

So once again I am loving life and am finding once again that trusting God and living life where He says is the best thing in the world because then He takes care of everything and you get to be blown away by it.

posted by bec @ 7:36 am 2 comments

12 April 2006

You don't know what you got til it's gone

So I have discovered that the DTES has become home. How do I know this? Because I miss it so much after being away for only four days on Vancouver Island (and I am so much used to here that I was just about to write The Island, then realised all the Oz ppl wouldn't understand). I knew it felt comfortable, but I hadn't realised how much it felt like home.

Here's a couple things I have noticed. I miss my community. I hadn't realised how much they give to me and how much I receive from them. I think I am feeling more tired here because normally I receive actual physical energy from the interactions that I have. And I miss the things that we would normally do over these four weeks (I have discovered that I do have some kind of routine here, because I know specifically what activities I am missing by being here) and I miss the conversations on the deep levels of thought or personal delving that so regularly happen at home.

I have also realised that it has become home because of how I feel about my surroundings. For the last couple of nights I have slept in double beds in my own room in nice houses. And while it is nice, it doesn't feel normal, but it is a treat. But I realise that in a few short weeks I have become very comfortable with how I live. People give me credit for it, but I love it. It helps keep life simple, and it is always a good reminder to be able to walk out your door and actually see those that you have been called to love.

So I really do think I am home in DTES, it is such a blessing. Maybe some of it is the certainty that it is where God wants me right now, and so home is really being found in God's will. But it is also nice to have a physical attachment to that as well.

posted by bec @ 10:14 am 0 comments

11 April 2006

Urban Missionary

This is the term that Pastor James uses to describe himself. It's the words that we put on the t-shirts that we used for RAW. I have worn this t-shirt. I've even had the term urban missionary used to describe me. I am only just beginning to realise that it is true. I never thought I would be a missionary. I never thought I was called to other countries. But here are some things that I am discovering: I am a student of culture; I love learning different and new ways that people do things and connecting in with them and joining my life with theirs, I am passionate about seeing people won for Jesus and being a part of that and helping other people to be a part of that (I am discovering that I think I'm not bad at recruitment), I live with people that are not from originally my 'own' people and I live with them as they live, I use my existing skills and abilities to support myself and also get me into the areas that I wish to minister. I think that these things actually do make me a missionary. I just never thought it before. I always thought that missionaries were special people - I am not special (in the ultra spiritual, above everyone else kind of way), I am just me. But I am beginning to recognise that it is not who we are that makes us who we are but who God is. And our position is not what we've done to get there, but what God has given us. So I am learning. In me, I am no one, at all. But in God, there are some things that I am learning that I am. I am an urban missionary, and really the world is my mission field, though right now it is specifically East Vancouver. I am a fighting warrior, selected and equipped by my God to courageously wage war against those who would squash His will and to bring others under His will. I am a pastor, called to reach out and see the hurting and suffering, to carry their burdens, to walk alongside of them, to know them when others don't want to. I am an ambassador, to go from the front lines to those who haven't quite yet realised they need to be there to, to reach in, find them and bring them to where they should be. And while I am these things I am learning to be them all the more. And always learning, that with me, it is all nothing, with Him it is everything.

posted by bec @ 1:57 pm 1 comments

10 April 2006

I live in a monastery? and other thoughts

So I was having a conversation with Pastor James the other day (I do a bunch of work with him these days, helping with the various ministries that he is doing) and was telling him how we live. Things like the fact that we have so many people in living in close quarters and that it is a very connected community and we are very much about accountability and transparency and discipline and that kind of thing. He said that we were like a modern monastery, like the Fransican monks and all. So that's kind of cool because it's a pretty big word up to the way we live. I hope we actually live up to it. (Though with all the married ppl here, I don't think we'll be adding celibacy to our living conditions!)

Second thing I have been thinking about is my perspective on my current ministry here. At present I am spending a lot of time at X-Culture (Cross Culture) which is a building that 614 rents about 30-40 min walk (everything is in walking distance these days!) from DTES. I am there Mon, Wed, Fri for most of the day and then Sat evening and Sun afternoon. And so you would think that spending so much time there would give me some feelings ownership towards the community. But I have realised that in some ways I have been coming in to help other people with what they are doing, but it hasn't been mine. The crazy thing is I do want to be there, and feel that it is where God has placed me in that place. But it hasn't felt like mine. So my prayer is that I will come to see this place as my mission field, not just the place where I am helping someone else. God help me see these people the way You see them, give me Your heart for them. May they become my people to me, may I love them as my family, as my kids. Plant me in there God. Help me to invest of myself there, to have something that holds me there and keeps my heart there. God let me be Your witness there.

posted by bec @ 4:16 pm 0 comments

06 April 2006

Simple pleasures


It is cool and funny how being here changes your perspectives on things. One of my favourite things this week was that I went and bought some new socks. I love funky socks and many of my old ones are getting holes in them because I bought them all at the same time so they are all wearing out. So we were at Metrotown and we saw these cool socks, and so now I have four new pair, one with smilies, one with monkeys, one with green stripes (pictured) and one with white, pink, orange and maybe yellow stripes. And they very much did bring me joy. And I find that there are so many simple things that I rejoice in these days. The fact that there is a culture of saying "praise the Lord" about many things here helps. It reminds you who really should be given the credit. So praise the Lord of the joy of new socks!

And now my joy will be complete when I finally know that all my socks are safe and sound sitting in my cupboard!!!

posted by bec @ 1:12 pm 1 comments

02 April 2006

Discipline

This is the huge topic of my life at the moment and I really don't have enough of it. This is most evidenced by the fact that I haven't gotten to bed before 12 for at least 4 nights in a row (though last night that was a product of the daylight savings). Why is this so much of an issue? Because it affects the time of the morning that I am functional. This means that I have not been getting rations (devotions, whatever you want to call it) in. But also importantly it means that I have been having issues with getting to my War Room shifts. I had one of Tue and then I had one last night. I got to one hour of the one on Tue and woke up as the one last night was finishing. Now, granted, both of these had to do with issues with alarms but I have also experienced God waking me up when I need it to happen. So I think at the moment my body is too tired to be woken up and so I don't get there. And so what really sucks about this is that I didn't suffer from not doing my War Room shifts but people in my community had to cover them. And that sucks, cos I hate putting people out, and then it's really just not right, because when you make a commitment you should be there. And so at the moment, my lack of discipline is affecting my community. And it's an important lesson to learn because that is how it is in the body, really we aren't all independent and doing our own thing, our actions do affect each other. It's just that here it is much easier to see. And so I am going to have to be more disciplined. I think I need to be in bed by 12 on a normal day and earlier if I have anything special on the next day. And I need to be held to it. Cos at the moment my community is suffering more than me. But the other thing is, with not getting rations in, I am also suffering, and probably just not feeling it at the moment. But I know I will if it continues. And how terrible is it to tell Jesus that you don't have enough time, or priority, for Him. That's not what I want in my life. So grrr, the binds of discipline and love. And to anyone who has had to pick up the slack for me this week, I am really sorry, and please help me to be more disciplined about all of this as well.

posted by bec @ 10:09 am 6 comments